little black heels

you may call me a flip flop, but i call myself someone who is in tune with my feelings, continually affected by my surroundings.

with being affected comes perspective and with perspective comes choice. i sometimes look at my kids at hebrew school and middle school and i realize how little choice they have in their lives. their parents decide things for them and they are left to bear the consequences of these decisions, which, more often than not, are not what they would have chose on their own.

my perspective on life has been really bad this past year. i've been a total downer and i know it. for those of you who met me this year and think differently, well, i wish you knew me before last august. when the middle school gym teacher came up to me one day and called me smiley, i literally jumped. i had not heard that phrase since last summer. prior to august, everyone called me smiley. this was because i constantly had a smile glued to my face. i won 'spirit' awards and i was incredibly upbeat, even when i was sad. i remember going home for a weekend this year and picking up my high school softball spirit award and thinking 'who won this award? it couldn't be me.'

what happened this year is now the past and has merely left a trail that i can either dwell on or learn from. i'm going to choose the latter. i don't even know if i'm ready to learn from it and dissect all of the things that went wrong, mainly with going to YU and having the worst internship imaginable (or unimaginable). i know i can learn from this but, like i said, i'm not ready. i need time to digress from this situation, to just be me.

i decided last week to cheer up. it wasn't that hard either! i think my friends were not used to me being so eager to hang out - but two close friends gave me the incredible advice that it's okay to be sad. more importantly, it's okay to tell your friends you're sad and that you need them. i did just that and i've had people calling nonstop. i have more friends than i thought i did! i have a new gym partner (and i've been working out, almost every day!), have had too many shabbat invites to accept, and have attended so many classes, lectures, and Jewish activities that i am drowning (in a good way!) in new information. i'm eating great, cooking a lot, and, like i said, talking with people who i haven't talked to in a long time, and it feels great. i'm also working aggressively on my research and... hopefully we will be published in a few weeks! i think that might just mark the best day of my life thus far.

i decided to wear my only pair of black heels the other night too. i had not worn them since freshmen year of college. why would i? i'm not the type to wear heels on shabbat or to fancy occasions. i don't know why exactly... but i never get that craving to just go out in heels. anyways, a friend inspired me to throw them on for yom ha'atzmaut (israel independence day). we were in a rush and i didn't have time to analyze the plans. before i knew it, i was in the car with friends, wearing my little black heels, ready to drive to the party in mid-town.

i realized that these shoes gave me confidence i don't typically illuminate. i was standing next to someone who i had never felt like an 'equal' to before - but these heels helped my confidence resurface. that same confidence that took the back burner last august.

i felt comfortable at this penthouse bar in mid-town, on the roof, surrounded by friends and new acquaintances and i realized that life is exciting. my life is exciting. somehow, i had forgotten this. my life used to be incredibly exciting! i use the phrase 'i miss college' a lot - when really, it's not just college i'm missing. i miss the fun and laughter... and at that moment at the bar, i was surrounded by young jewish professionals, wrapped in my friend adam's sweater. i stood on this roof and embraced the bright lights glimmering from the tall buildings around us. in the midst of the chilly night, i was warm again. i was laughing, smiling, resurfacing memories, and making new friends.

i made the choice to put on my heels. i also made the choice to go out and celebrate yom ha'atzmaut with friends. i've made many choices over the past week that have left me sitting here, all alone at 9:45 pm, with a smile glued to my face. this is me - and i hope this never changes.

the last train home

59th Street came and went. I knew the rest of the ride was going to flash before my eyes and be over before I knew it. That's what express trains are for - to make things rush past your eyes so fast that by the time your pupils catch up, you've jumped eighty streets and you're at your front door.

The A train is the train that would best describe me. I'm an express kind of girl. I don't like to live in the moment; I live in the future and ignore everything in the present until it becomes the past. I want things as fast as I can get them and then, once I have them, I want to run with them to the next thing. I can't sit still. I wish I understood where this came from.

But tonight, I wanted to slow down. I felt the speed and it took over my stomach. My eyes came into focus and I noticed every hole in the wall, section of graffiti, or burnt out bulb in the crevices of the A train tunnel. Tears engulfed my face and I sat there staring aimlessly through the wet glaze over my eyes. I felt the train move throughout my body just as I felt my body become glued to the seat. I wanted the train to stop. I didn't want to get off.

Endings happen. Just as my journey on the subway approached my destination, everything I knew about New York City shut its doors. It lingered a bit down Fort Washington Avenue and then it ended. I turned back to see if it was still there and it wasn't. That was it. I walked into my lobby, scared of what was behind me. My security blanket had drifted southward as I entered my building alone.

Hunter College informed me I am an official resident of New York City. I can only guess what that means and I don't know if I fit the role. I know New York City through people and experiences, but when those are lifted out of the picture, I'm left with hollow memories. Empty thoughts, empty feelings, empty ideas, empty laughter, empty happiness.

I wonder where life will take me next. I wonder what stop is after 181st Street - I've never taken the train that far or seen the road less traveled. I am heartbroken and lost, yearning for a comfort that my expansive down comforter cannot provide.

My longing for comfort angers me. It angers me how people have relationships with their families and friends that span their lifetimes. I wish I had this. I wish I could be hurt, beat up, brought down, and all that goes with the lows of life, and still be brought back up by people in my life who would do anything for me. I want people who will defend me even when they know I'm wrong. 2,000 friends, a bunch of college and seminary Rabbis, and people back in Boston who are attached to me through empty familial titles don't defend me or support me. They don't back up my decisions, big or small.

I'm not sure where to go from here but I hope time will heal these wounds and guide me back on track. And I hope that for my own well being, I start to feel the train, and all the motions of the world, ride the rails at their true pace.