i think i always choose the hard way. i have a hunch that the challenges i have experienced in my life are created by me. i don't know why i do it. maybe it's because i'm just so 'driven' that i crave things that are beyond my comprehension. this results in lots of rewards - degrees, jobs, leadership positions, you name it. it also results in a lot of pain. i can't be happy with what i have - i always need more. it's not a financial thing (which seems common under this condition) but more so an emotional, psychological factor. i can't be satisfied with a close friendship, relationship, job, school, or experience. it always has to be something more. i have an extremely difficult time looking at my life and saying 'wow, i am comfortable with where i am' because i continually need to be growing. and not just growing at a natural pace, but growing at a very unnatural, propelled pace. with this rapid pace, comes a lot of loss, and that is something i am experiencing for the worst right now.

when i need more, i run from what i have. i did this in high school, twice. i went to three high schools before i graduated. in college, i almost transferred so many times. i could not believe that i walked across the stage in arizona at the end of three and a half years. i honestly don't know if i could have made it, doing the same thing, for a typical four-year college career. it's just too much for me. i can't be too happy with something. as soon as i reach that point, i break. i run, fight, yell, quit - you name it. i cut off ties and i move on. who knows if i really move on. i'm sure there's some emotional baggage that remains deep within me, but for the most part, i do move forward and onto the next 'bigger' step.

so when it comes to happiness, maybe i'm not as happy as i appear. my smile might not be as real as you'd think. my excitement, laughter, love - you name it - might be an act for everything i'm running from inside. i don't know any of this for a fact because all of these things feel real to me. but, they easily could be illusions.

i think i might need to build on what i have in the present instead of jumping toward something new while releasing who i currently am. it might not be worth it to continually be changing the channel. even if it's a commercial, it might be worthwhile. with all of this, comes patience - a quality i innately lack. i wish i had more of it. if i did, i'm sure i could stay put and embrace my experiences and those around me instead of throwing them away as i run toward the limitless sky. well, the sky is limitless and i could keep on running. do i need to do that though?

i need to find myself right now. the solution might not be so far away from what's right before my eyes. it could be, but i have a strong, strong feeling that it's not. i think i would rather work toward perfecting the me sitting here typing into this computer window than the me i 'could be' if i run somewhere new. there's nothing wrong with the present and what i've got, including who i have, close to me. now, i need to embrace this.