To Give and to.... Give

Chesed are acts of kindness and that has clearly been the central theme of the last few days in Israel. I could begin explaining the last few days in a million ways, but somehow, all of my catchy titles seem to fall underneath the category of the chesed I have both been a part of and witnessed in Jerusalem.

Yesterday was my first day of school and it was absolutely incredible. I was so nervous before I got there and then walked in and was even more nervous. Finally, I heard Osnat's voice through the door and I was immediately put at ease. Osnat was my Navi (Prophets) teacher this summer and one of the most influential people who I have met in Israel. We hugged and hugged and I started class right by her side. Within minutes, it felt like August 5th, the day after I left this summer. We began studying and breaking apart the words in the text and I realized how amazing it felt to feel so intellectually challenged. It's so difficult and languages definitely do not come naturally to me. I'm not a quick learner at all! But after three hours of class, I realized that I was smiling from ear to ear.

In the middle of the day, our school went on a tiyul (trip) to Yad Sarah, a chesed organization located about thirty minutes (walking) away from school. I took the walk with a few new friends and that was all I needed to fall in love with Israel. I saw everything from the cats in/on/under the dumpsters to the never ending construction all around the city. It was amazing to breathe the fresh air and engage in conversations with girls who I'm sure will soon become my closest friends. At Yad Sarah, our tour guide began our day with a video of what Yad Sarah does and its goals and I felt like I was really in the right place. It was incredible the way it spoke about the organization reaching out to the entire country - and not only Israel, but many other countries. We went upstairs to see more of Yad Sarah in action and visited an area designed by occupational therapists that caters to those with disabilities, both major and minor. The goal of this area was to provide people with tools to make their lives easier and more pleasant, such as a stand to hold playing cards for someone who does not have the strength in their hands after a stroke.

The rest of the day was filled with classes and in the afternoon, my new roommate, Sabrina, arrived at school. We left a little early and went back to the dorm together. We quickly realized we both have way more clothes than our little closets can handle but luckily we are the same size so now we just have double the wardrobe. I think it's going to be a great match :) I also met the girl who lives next door to me, Amanda, and we are both applying to the same program at YU for the fall. It's going to be amazing to go through the process with someone else by my side.

On that note - I heard back from Wurzweiler at YU today! And I was accepted! I'm almost positive I am going to accept the acceptance, which gives me so much to look forward to in the fall. It's also nice to know that it's not an 'end all be all' situation and I could always defer or do a portion of it in Israel. It's nice to know that a school like this gives you plenty of options.

Last night was just as great, if not greater, than the actual day. My friend Kate got engaged! And, the best part, all of our close friends got to watch! Her boyfriend set up this amazing night for them at an apartment down the street and we came earlier to surprise her for when it happened. Kate and I lived together this summer and now we're together again so this was definitely something exciting to come back to.

Today I woke up and took a shower... and I must admit, it is difficult being so cold when you get out of the shower. I practically feel like I'm camping. It's hard living with no (I mean, minimal) heat. I really miss heat. I also miss mattresses that are wider than 2 feet and thicker than 4 inches. Seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it's part of the yeshiva-lifestyle and I know there are bigger things to worry about in the world. Yesterday I talked with my friend Yonadov and he tried convincing me how strange it is to go from Israel to America and go to a big bed. I think that's crazy!

I had Chumash today and I realized how little I remember, yet again. So I hope I can start tutoring with my friend Shalva soon. I really need to work on this. I want to get as much as I can out of my learning here but it is difficult if I am continually perplexed by anything and everything in Hebrew. I am so intimidated by the language. I don't know why! I don't use it in taxis or on the bus or while shopping. I almost always can use it but I just get nervous and freeze up. Hopefully, I can get comfortable doing so soon.

The rest of our classes went really well and we had a great chicken lunch. Most people complain about yeshiva food but I tend to like it a lot. Our classes before and after lunch were very interesting, ranging from tsniut and the real laws (hint: different from what you're told are real but actually are not written in a single source) to the International vs. Halachic (Jewish law) Date Lines. All of them were incredibly interesting and I came out knowing so much more than I knew before.

After school my friends and I went across the street to Mercaz HaRav, the Rav Cooke Yeshiva that there was a shooting at one year ago, today. Coincidentally, today is also Rosh Hosdesh Adar, meaning the start of the month of Adar, a very exciting month in the Jewish calendar. The whole city was filled with excitement and firecrackers and people preparing for Purim. At the Yeshiva, thousands upon thousands of people sang and danced, celebrating the dedication of 8 sefer Torah scrolls that were given to the school in honor of the 8 boys who lost their lives a year ago. Seeing the excitement and joy coming out of the whole city surrounding this event was breathtaking. It is practically unfathomable to see how Jewish people come together when bad things happen and truly make the best out of such situations. These scrolls represent life and growth and the true acts of chesed within the Jewish people. The celebration continued down the street, Kanfei Nesharim, which borders our two schools. Uplifting would be an understatement for this event - and standing aside my closest friends, holding each other while dancing, singing, and crying, will definitely go down as one of the most moving moment of my life.

Following these events, it became dark and Rachel and I walked/bussed it up to Geula, a neighborhood filled with excitement and shopping. It is a sea of black and white - representing the Chassidic Jews and their clothing style. We shopped a little and got one of our close friends a wedding present that Rachel is going to deliver to her in two weeks in the United States. Then we went to a nut stand and I had a candied almond and 'm&m''s that were not really m&ms. We also picked up dinner at a take-away place.... and it ended up tasting delicious! I had stuffed peppers and fried fish.

Finally, the night concluded at my friend Maya's vort. I learned tonight that the word 'vort' means 'talk' or 'speech' in Yiddish. It's a party, usually held at the Yeshiva of the husband, for the men and women to gather and listen to speeches about the couple who is about to be married. Then, like all Jewish festivities, it ends with dancing and singing and games with close friends. It was so amazing to see Maya so excited and the speeches given by all of our Rabbaim were so deep and moving. I also got to see so many old, close friends whom I had not seen since the summer. It was great to catch up with them all. I'm really starting to feel like this is the place for me.

I have traveled a lot in my life but I have never seen a place where people are so innately giving by nature. Our Rabbi gave a speech tonight at the vort about the importance of bringing chesed into the home and into the relationship. It is so critical to be a giver in all that you do. In Israel, you experience this every moment of every day. It is impossible not to give. It's the 'cool' thing to do. When Rachel and I were in Geula this afternoon, we gave money to a man asking for tzedakah (charity) on the sidewalk and Rachel began a nice conversation with him about what she studied and her teaching after college. That simple time that she gave to a man who appeared lonely on the side of the road is something rare to witness anywhere else. I have seen acts of chesed over and over again through all of my friends and inside my school that make me filled with joy to be a part of such a wonderful community, but more importantly, such a wonderful country. I cannot imagine being anywhere else.

this year, in Jerusalem.

A lot happened today. First, I left Ramat Beit Shemesh by bus for Jerusalem. After I got here, I met up with Zeus/my bags and took a taxi to Midreshet Rachel. I ate lunch, met with everyone, and then took another taxi to my new apartment in Har Nof. I felt like I was in a big daze all day long. Everything was surreal. Everyone, including myself, expected that I just knew everything - where to go, what to say, what to do. I did know all of this but I felt very alone throughout the move. A lot of people offered to (and did) help but the entire time I couldn't stop feeling alone. For the first time ever traveling, I didn't have a close friend by my side. I've never been in Israel without someone right there to hold my hand every step of the way. This past summer Jen was there in the bed next to me all the time and I know that if I ever needed anything, even if it were the middle of the night, she would be right at my side. It's different now. It's a different year, a different experience. Tomorrow I'm going to make new friends and have experiences like no other. I'll see some familiar faces but it will be different. I'm nervous to start school. I barely remember any Hebrew and I'm scared to be really far behind the rest of the class.

My friend Anna came up today from Be'er Sheva and I got to spend the majority of the afternoon with her. Finally, not only a familiar face, but a true friend. She brought me snacks (I think I ate 10 oreos, a bag of beesli, and cookies within an hour) and sat with me while I unpacked. Then, we went to the bus station together and I got a rug for my room. Now, I'm sitting here in my room and I think I'm allergic to my bargain 30 shek rug. I'm bummed about this. It matches my Ikea comforter so well. Bringing my comforter and pillow cases was a fabulous idea. Now, I just need my happy lamp. At first I thought that wasn't a possibility - but oh, just wait - it is! I just need to find someone with a car to take me up to the Ikea up north to buy a new happy lamp. This will happen in due time. No worries. My room will be magically lit up soon.

I hung up all my clothes and set up a space heater so I'm feeling a little more cozy than before. I just have to hang up a big paper ball thing over my lamp, put up my pictures (same ones from my walls in AZ), and put up my Israeli flag from Yom Yerushalayim last May and I think I will feel very at home. Well, not very at home. But at home. I have a little bit of junk food for the morning for 'breakfast' and hopefully I'll get some healthier stuff later this week. Typical though, tomorrow we have a night class and Tuesday is a friend's vort (wedding party). So, just as I thought, I would have zero time to do anything practical while at sem other than go to school.

It's okay though. I'm in Israel. That's all that matters. I'm really surrounded by some of the most incredible people in the world and I'm in the best place in the world. I've been given some great advice by many trusted people that I should go out and take a walk. Hopefully, I will get to do that at some point over the next few days. I have no idea what I'm doing for Shabbos yet, or Purim, or Pesach. I don't even want to think about this stuff yet, but it's all just around the corner. Time to go turn on the dud for a shower... then sleep... and then school in the morning :)

I woke up this morning...

... to sounds of:
- hail pounding on my window
- babies crying
- families playing
- car alarms
- Hebrew songs from men walking down the street to shul

The last 48 hours have been really nice. I've been in Ramat Beit Shemesh at the Elefant's and Ariela and Zeus have been taking great care of me. It was exactly what I needed upon arriving here. I've been spending the majority of my time eating and sleeping. I miss Ariela's food so much! The boys, Akiva, Shlomo, and Ahron, have become so big. We've been playing a lot of games together and I've been listening to them recite the lessons they have been learning in school. They know way more Hebrew than me! I didn't really understand how American families can send their children to Hebrew-only schools, but it is starting to make sense because it seems like the best way to learn the language, especially if the parents speak to the children in English at home.

Last night it was just Ariela, Zeus, and I for dinner, which was so relaxing. After we ate, I went to an Oneg a few doors down in a building that my school, Midreshet Rachel v'Chaya, coincidentally was spending the weekend at for Shabbat. Zeus walked me there and I was so nervous. I really don't like the feeling of walking into big groups of people or parties. No one ever understands this about me because I'm so outgoing. I get really, really nervous though! Anyways, he walked me in so I wasn't alone and as soon as I saw familiar faces, I felt at ease. Zia gave me a big hug, which was quickly joined by Jill, Rachel, and Kate. It was great to see my friends again and exciting to see a sea of faces of whom I would soon become friends with. I'm nervous to make new friends (I know, surprising again). I love my current friends and I don't like changing things like that when everything I have is so great. I hope this doesn't hinder my social life.

Rabbi Shurin gave a great shuir during the oneg about Israel and the importance of the Jews living here. I wish I was more awake to reiterate it here - it's definitely on my list of things to talk with him about because I want to share that shuir with as many friends and family back home as possible. I also read a blog earlier from my friend Kate who wrote about how Israel has everything you could ever want or need. It's true. It's such a small place that offers so much. I hope to discover more and more of this in the coming months and strengthen my passion for living and learning here even more.

I slept really well last night (in addition to a 4 hour nap today!) and had a great meal with the Elefant's and a couple who just moved to the neighborhood. The girl was only 21 and had been married for two years. It's such a culture shock to see people like that. I feel like if I ever told my parents I was getting married a couple years ago, they would completely disown me. But, it is so interesting to see how happy these people are. All of them, the Elefant's included (who were married at 18 & 19 as well). It's interesting to see the age differences in couples, too, and see how age is really 'nothing but a number'. In my own life, I have seen that over the past few months, and it makes me laugh every time I take myself out of my world and look in at my life and think to myself how I can be so close to people years younger than me. But then I step back in and realize that I couldn't be happier. It's often difficult to adjust to things that you're not used to but it is amazing to realize that so many of our preconceptions are not actually based in much truth.

So tonight Shabbat came to a close and we had a nice havdallah in the dining room. Then we played cards - two new games I had never heard of - one was called Shithead (but Ariela insists it is pronounced unlike it appears) and the other was Casino. The first was easy and fun and I quickly began beating both Ariela and Zeus and the second was so stupid. Ariela and I had no patience for Zeus's explanation and quickly gave up. Maybe another day...

Tomorrow morning, Zeus is bringing my luggage to Jerusalem and then I'm heading in around noon to go to my first 'day' (well, half day) of school at Midreshet Rachel. I'm excited but not excited at the same time. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think I will be fully excited once I'm there. I like being organized though and I haven't moved into my apartment yet so I still feel very discombobulated. Big word, ha. For those of you who know my pet-peeve of having an organized 'Office Max' section of my room - this is definitely what's urking me now. I need my little office area all set up and ready to go (scizzors, glue, stickies, etc. all in the right place) before I can function happily anywhere. Soon enough though.

Here's to a great eight months in Jerusalem :)

Eyes.

I think I'm a little homesick.

I often begin to feel this way right around the time I realize I would rather sit on my computer and catch up with friends far away than go out and have fun with people in the room next door. I'm feeling quite unfulfilled right now. I'm having a great time with great friends and family halfway across the world - shopping, sightseeing, and just simply relaxing in new and exciting places - but something deep down doesn't feel quite right.

I'm nervous to go to Israel tomorrow for countless reasons, but mainly because I am scared to begin this chapter of my life. I miss those I love more than words can explain. Family aside, I miss my friends. I miss those who I have developed connections with, those who have truly shaped the person who I have become.

After skyping for a while last night, I realized that video chatting just doesn't cut it. It's great, and of course, the next best thing to being across the couch from someone, but it hurts so much to know that the camera is just a camera. You're not looking into their eyes at all. You're looking at a little black hole that somehow, indirectly projects a person onto your screen. It's fuzzy and unclear. It jumps at awkward moments and it makes you feel thousands of miles away despite it being designed to do just the opposite.

There's something special about eye contact that makes relationships so intrinsically special. Looking deep into someone's eyes is scary. There are not many people whose eyes I have found myself looking deep into. I don't often do it with my family or even with my closest friends. I think I avoid doing this because of the fear of the immediate emotional closeness you achieve when you do this.

Before I left Arizona, someone looked into my eyes. A lot. I often avoided it for the reason I just wrote about and soon found my own eyes magnetizing toward the pair looking at them. I would always dart them away but just that quick feeling of our two selves aligning was enough to feel a closeness like no other. I'm not sure what all of this means. I'm not sure if these eyes found something in my own that is unique and special or if I simply never noticed the importance of truly looking into someone else's eyes before. I miss this though. I miss leaning against walls, sitting on couches, talking by a fireplace, and taking part in a dialogue like I had never taken part in before, one which was guided by my eyes.