I think I'm a little homesick.
I often begin to feel this way right around the time I realize I would rather sit on my computer and catch up with friends far away than go out and have fun with people in the room next door. I'm feeling quite unfulfilled right now. I'm having a great time with great friends and family halfway across the world - shopping, sightseeing, and just simply relaxing in new and exciting places - but something deep down doesn't feel quite right.
I'm nervous to go to Israel tomorrow for countless reasons, but mainly because I am scared to begin this chapter of my life. I miss those I love more than words can explain. Family aside, I miss my friends. I miss those who I have developed connections with, those who have truly shaped the person who I have become.
After skyping for a while last night, I realized that video chatting just doesn't cut it. It's great, and of course, the next best thing to being across the couch from someone, but it hurts so much to know that the camera is just a camera. You're not looking into their eyes at all. You're looking at a little black hole that somehow, indirectly projects a person onto your screen. It's fuzzy and unclear. It jumps at awkward moments and it makes you feel thousands of miles away despite it being designed to do just the opposite.
There's something special about eye contact that makes relationships so intrinsically special. Looking deep into someone's eyes is scary. There are not many people whose eyes I have found myself looking deep into. I don't often do it with my family or even with my closest friends. I think I avoid doing this because of the fear of the immediate emotional closeness you achieve when you do this.
Before I left Arizona, someone looked into my eyes. A lot. I often avoided it for the reason I just wrote about and soon found my own eyes magnetizing toward the pair looking at them. I would always dart them away but just that quick feeling of our two selves aligning was enough to feel a closeness like no other. I'm not sure what all of this means. I'm not sure if these eyes found something in my own that is unique and special or if I simply never noticed the importance of truly looking into someone else's eyes before. I miss this though. I miss leaning against walls, sitting on couches, talking by a fireplace, and taking part in a dialogue like I had never taken part in before, one which was guided by my eyes.
