Jerusalem, in the palm of your hand.

Today was breathtaking yet all I can think about right now was how delicious my frozen yogurt was a little while ago down the street. Will write more about this very, very soon. I am so tired from hiking!

Defining Moments

Yesterday was terrible.

I woke up this morning entirely not in the mood to go to school so I slept through my alarm, with all five snoozes included. Soon after the fifth, I got a phone call that my interview for YU was actually scheduled for today and the woman and myself had both made errors saying "See you Tuesday" the last time we spoke. I ended up waking up faster than expected and have been in a daze for the last two hours.

I think I'm just being moody. I spoke with Rabbi Shurin for a while yesterday about all of the things bothering me and I felt comforted afterward. Not exactly better, but comforted. I felt secure with my feelings but still upset that I'm feeling so saturated with everything going on.

Today I get to see where my life takes me. I'm curious if that place will be Israel or New York - or some interesting combination of both. I don't know which I prefer and I know that today is definitely not my most Zionistic day being here. I am praying that my lack of enthusiasm does not show through my big smile and pretty outfit.

I felt secure with my decisions last week and insecure with with them now. These are big decisions. I'm a real adult, with a draining bank account, with big decisions on the line. I apparently have not "found myself" yet as a Jewish woman, though Rabbi Shurin attempted to convince me otherwise.

When you become religious in America, you're given one option: Move forward. It's a black and white game and you're on one side of the spectrum no matter how you look at it. The last two months have been a whirlwind for me because I have been exposed to so many different types of Jews. I was with close friends in Boston, New York, and London. And of course, close friends in Israel. I was surrounded by tons of "Modern Orthodox" and "Traditional" Jews... and something (well, many things) about this lifestyle greatly appealed to me. I like how these are categories, but within these categories, there is so much flexibility and what appears to be a lesser degree of judgement. I see judgement continually while living in a true "frum" environment and it is absolutely sickening me. I can't handle being around it and I don't want to be a part of it. I mentioned to Rabbi Shurin that it almost reminds me to extreme Islam and how they abuse the words in their holy scriptures. I've been experiencing the same thing in my own religion and I can't bear to be around it right now. I know it's important to not judge Judaism but the Jew, but sometimes, it's just too hard to do otherwise.

I was speaking with a girl in school the other day about the time table for a swimming pool at a local hotel and as we were talking, I could feel myself becoming more and more excited. Images of my memories lifeguarding at the YMCA in Boston and the PAC-10 pool in Arizona were flying through my mind. Splashing with friends, swimming laps, teaching lessons to little kids. I couldn't stop smiling as she told me more and more of the details. This feeling felt so normal, so me. It felt like the me before I came to Israel the first time. It felt like the me who knew nothing other than her Conservative synagogue that I had my Bat Mitzvah at nine years ago.

I sit every night and watch my roommate while she watches television shows on her computer. At first I didn't understand how a girl who was raised quite religious and went to religious schools could sit and watch television. That is so not what you're "supposed" to do in this community. I did not understand her Desparate Housewives or The Hills until last night when I realized that we need these things to stay sane. We are Americans (or British or Australian or whatever else) and we need this "normal"ness or we will go crazy and become saturated. We need to stay in tune with ourselves and grow closer to G-d and religion through acquiring knowledge in our classes and life experiences. The rest will come. Life is a growing process, not just Judaism. Though I strongly believe that Judaism should be (and realistically is) intertwined in every part of my life, I need to look beyond it and realize that I'm still me, needing the swimming pool and television just as I did when I was 16.

11/10

Tonight on the bus ride home from Neve Yaakov, Caroline asked me how I would rank this year's Purim and I responded "11 out of 10". It was truly a phenomenal experience with great friends, close teachers, and the comfort and excitement of Jerusalem surrounding me.

Today we exchanged presents in the morning around the MRC apartments. Kate made me a gorgeous watercolor painting and I put it up on my window. We ate lots (... and lots) of hamantashens that we made the other day in the Gush with our teacher Osnat and we sang and danced around the apartment. I stopped by the Mannings to wish them a happy Purim and give the kids presents and then about 15 of us met up at the Central Bus Station to head out to Rabbi Shurin's in Neve Yaakov for his seudah (meal).

Rabbi Shurin's family is mindblowing to me. As an only child, simply having a roommate is a culture shock. The Shurin's have ten children and it's incredible. We met a lot of them today and celebrated with them at the extra long table. We ate delicious food, sang, listened to stories, drank wine, and laughed ... we laughed a lot! People told so many jokes. My favorite was: What happens when you squeeze a shul (synagogue)? You get Jews!

There were quite a few moments when I looked around me on all sides and realized how happy I was to be surrounded by such special people. My roommate was across from me, my other friends to my left and right, and my Rabbi sitting at the head of the table. When we got off the bus, I also saw Joe from Arizona. Now that was a small world, "only in Israel", moment. I don't typically like big social situations but this was definitely an exception.

I just got home and I realized that my bright mood has dimmed a bit after reading the news. There are so many rockets being fired at Southern Israel and it is sickening. I don't understand. I can honestly say that. It boggles my mind how someone could shoot a rocket at someone else, how someone could kidnap someone else, or how someone could blow something up like a bus. I can't comprehend this. Today was a very special day for the Jewish people because Purim is a time to celebrate miracles and all of the amazing feats the Jews have accomplished throughout the years - most importantly, those rooted in getting rid of evil people from the world. It is such a shame that these people exist. There are two sides to every story and it is astonishing to me how so few people in the world are so blind to the reality of the situation here in Israel. These rockets are not a joke. They are not toys that we play with or stories simply being told. They are big projectiles being shot at people's homes, schools, synagogues, and streets. They are hitting people. They are destroying properties. They are emotionally harming people forever.

If someone shot a rocket at Boston or at Tempe, President Obama would not stand for it. The American people would not stand for it. There is absolutely nothing that justifies what is going on and I cannot even begin to comprehend how nations in the world feel it is necessary to donate money to rebuild Gaza... when Gaza is shooting rockets at a civil country. It is disgusting and really sets us back in terms of the celebrations across this country.

Chag Sameach!

I'm learning more and more about what it means to be Jewish as each moment passes during my time in Israel. Today was no exception. It's 2:45 am and I just got in from a fabulous night with my amazing friends from school.

I can briefly list the things I did today, beginning with spending the entire 'day' getting to and from IKEA in Netanya (we left at 10 and got back at 7) with Sabrina. We had so much fun though! Despite taking so many buses, getting lost a few times, missing out on our trip to Tel Aviv, and everything taking about 5x longer than expected, we ended up getting to IKEA in one piece and getting exactly what we wanted. I just peaked in and Sabrina is sleeping happily with her new pillow (a real pillow, not an 'Israeli pillow') and my happy lamp is bright and shining in my room. I feel SO at home right now. I don't even want to think about anywhere else I have ever lived - this is home and will always be home. Thankfully, IKEA has come to my home.

When we were at the store, the employees erupted in Purim songs and were playing intruments and singing all around the store. I took some great videos of the action. It was like one big party. And totally an "Only in Israel" moment!

After, I ate hamantashens and heard the megilla for the first time. Yes, the first time. I feel like 95% of the things I say, do, hear, and experience in Israel are really brand new to me. I wasn't raised religious or exposed to most of this stuff. I learned a little about Purim as a kid in Sunday school but that's it. Sabrina had to give me a brief synopsis before we got the shul tonight. I was so excited to go to a new shul too. This one was on Brand, a few doors down from us. It's where Rabbi Manning and Rabbi Sedley daven. Luckily, we saw the Sedley's and I felt at home versus like a visitor at a random shul. Rabbi Sedley even found me an English translation of the megilla (a rarity in Har Nof). We made noises every time we heard Haman's name and listened attentively to every word.

Then, Sabrina and I put on our costumes: matching black mice with little black ears that we picked up for 7 shek. The perfect, cheap costume. We took the bus to the shuk and walked through Nachlaot to our friend Leia's house party. The walk was so much fun - we saw people of all ages dancing through the streets. People were singing and drinking everywhere! We became friendly with a guy from Toronto while walking there and we ended up helping each other navigate the way. Finally we got to Leia's and it was filled with our friends from school and from Shearim, another school in Har Nof that my friends go to as well. It was so fun dancing and celebrating the holiday. It's amazing to dance and drink but listen to girls give dvar Torah's (speeches) and give each other blessings deep from their hearts while partying like crazy. It shows that religious girls truly know how to have a good time - and it's sincere as well. It's so important for me to be exposed to people like this and these kind of situations. This is a huge reason why I love my school: girls come from all backgrounds and form this cohesive unit that truly shines.

After, a bunch of us walked to the Old City, through the Old City, to the Kotel, and most importantly - into the deep walls of the arches beneath the Kotel. It was beyond amazing. Words cannot even begin to describe this experience. We davened (prayed) for a long time amidst the deep Earth. We were surrounded by stone and all we could smell was the mustiness of the depth around us. It was a really fascinating experience. It was also quite funny because we were dressed up as a mouse, a leopard, and a bee... and we were praying at the Kotel. Only on Purim!

Then we attempted to get home (for quite a while) and realized (not for the first time) that taking a taxi from the Kotel is no easy feat. We really wanted to squeeze 5 of us into one taxi and finally one let us. It was hilarious. We blasted music the entire way home and pretended like our tiny taxi was a club.

I'm finally home and cannot stop smiling. I don't want to go to sleep despite it being 3 am because I am so happy. I've never celebrated Purim (halachically) before. I've never done a lot of these things before; but thankfully, I know that I never want to live my life any other way.

My Mirpesset

I spent a large portion of my shabbat day out on my mirpesset (porch, in Hebrew). It was a beautiful day in Jerusalem; the sun was shining, warmth filled the air, and the smell of spring was all around us. Our view is incredible - from our mirpesset, you can see the Jerusalem Forest and all of the suburbs surrounding Jerusalem from the West. Har Nof is on the very edge of the city and you can almost see Tel Aviv from it. I bet you could if you had binoculars on a clear day.

Shabbat was so relaxing. I slept a lot. I had amazing meals at both the Mannings and the Sedleys. It was my first Shabbat to ever spend in my own bed and I loved it. It was strange without my roommate here but my friend Nina came and we had all of our meals together. I loved not having to pack an overnight bag. I also loved waking up in the morning and seeing an entire closet full of clothing to choose from versus whatever I had quickly packed into an overnight bag the day before. Shul is across the street so while the Rabbi was speaking (in Hebrew, so not entirely worth listening to) I walked home, got my sunglasses, and walked back. It's amazing to be able to do that.

Between the Sedley's at lunch and the other MRC apartment for 3rd meal, I sat on the mirpesset and ended up falling asleep. I was just staring outward at the beautiful view before me, thinking over and over again how much I want to call Israel home. Not just 'home to the Jewish people' but home to me. I want to live here so badly. I want to experience this feeling every 7th day - and not in the way it is experienced in the US. I want to experience it in full - I want to walk down the streets of the neighborhoods and not worry that a car will drive through. Imagine that: a busy neighborhood where three year olds are running around in the middle of the road and playing games with friends (often without even being supervised by parents) without the fear of cars hitting them or dangerous strangers. Last night, it was interesting to hear Sarah Manning talk about how in Israel you train your kids to talk to strangers versus avoid them. It sounds so silly, but it's so smart. If they ever need anything, a stranger can and most often will help them. I've never experienced this anywhere else. And, I'm not only referring to your home neighborhood - it's like this almost everywhere in Jerusalem.

Third meal was so nice tonight - it really took over what I had been lacking for over a year of being religious. I spent it with a lot of the girls from school at another apartment. We all either made or brought food and ate, sang songs, laughed, danced around, played games, and relaxed together. It was incredible to be around such a great group of people who are 'on the same page' as I am. As amazing as the Jewish community in Arizona is, I always found it so challenging to get ready for Shabbos alone or to be sitting at a table on a Friday night next to my closest friends who were all discussing what party to go to after the meal finished.

At the same time, I miss Arizona. I wish everyone I loved was right here, experiencing Israel in the same way I am.

I hope that can happen soon :)



*Pictures, from top to bottom: My mirpesset at sundown, my side of my bedroom, Idan Reichel at the Idan Reichel Project concert, a Jerusalem sign, the view from my mirpesset down Chai Taib toward Jerusalem, and lastly, the Kotel in the Old City at night.

Friday: Some pre-shabbos thoughts

Friday's in Israel are by far my favorite day of the week. Unlike everywhere else in the world, Friday means it is officially the weekend. I haven't written much lately because I am trying to distance myself from 1. America and 2. the internet. I'm not doing a very good job at either but I really am trying to at least acknowledge when I am giving more attention to things that are not 'real' or 'in the moment' than to the important people, places, culture, life, and history that is right before my eyes. Too much of my first week in Israel was spent on my computer but I know that spending my time like that was what I needed. Now, I don't think I need that anymore.

My classes have been going really well. I'm starting to catch onto Hebrew but I get very embarrassed and still won't ever use it. In life, you're either a leader or a follower. In every situation you find yourself in, you have to quickly decide, "Will I step forward or will I let someone else take the lead", and in terms of speaking Hebrew, I always step backward. I'm not sure if this is a problem because at the same time, I have learned that patience and letting others teach you (instead of being a know-it-all or guessing) is often the best choice in difficult situations. Maybe for now it is the best idea. I hope that soon I am able to take the reigns though because I know deep down that I can do it.

Graduate school options have been irking me lately. I've spoken with a lot of people who I consider very trustworthy and whose opinions I truly value. These conversations have been helpful and have provided me with the guidance I need to proceed forward in the decision making process. Currently, I would like to stay in Israel. Ideally, I want to do the Block program at Yeshiva University, which means I would spend the summers in New York City and the school year in Israel.

I find myself growing more and more intimately attached to Israel as my time here progresses. Arizona is a very easy place to live. Boston is a very comfortable place to live. New York City is exciting... and practically every other major city in the world in has treated me well. I adored Paris and London and could even imagine spending part of my life in Athens. But Israel is different. It's not just the Jewish element. Or the Zionistic element. It's not the food. Or the people. Or the history. It's everything combined. Israel is a place where I feel closer to the neighbors in my apartment building who I have never met than I do to the neighbors in my condo complex in Arizona who I saw daily. It is a place where bombs and rockets are falling a couple hundred miles away and I feel safer than I do in my house in Boston. Israel is a place where I have things in common with almost every single person here. It is a placed overflowing with history and culture; a place where you could not be bored if you tried. I could never list why I love Israel in one blog entry, or even in twenty. It's not a matter of liking or loving it either. It's a matter of just intrinsically knowing that the feeling I have about this country, including the land and the people living here, is more real than any other feeling I have ever experienced toward a place.

But yes, I am living a "life of hardships" as my Dad repetitively told me I would be doing if I decided to come here. I gave an interesting dvar Torah on this topic in Arizona and in the Heights before I came. After learning more about the Exodus from Egypt to Canaan (the land of Israel), I began to think more about the situation from a bird's eye view. So we have one land, Egypt, where everything is abundant. It is the most fertile area around because of the Nile and all of us know that fertile land = the ideal place to live.

So why on Earth would God tell us to leave Egypt? More importantly, why would we listen?! We had it all. Without getting into specifics (and of course there were hardships), it just made no sense to me why God picked Israel. If you look at Israel from a topographic (I think that's the right word) standpoint, you see a desert. More specifically, Israel is really small (about the size of New Jersey). You see a small river running through it, a sea on one side, and a very small lake at the top. Other than that, it's primarily desert, uninhabited by most people, animals, and plants. Things cannot grow in the desert! So, why here?

Dad, you could not have said it better. Israel is a land of hardships. It's true. But, is the word "hardship" as negative as we make it out to be? I can give a few examples to explain why I strongly think the opposite.

1. This past summer, I was here during the Shmita year. This means that crops were left to rest and Israel was basically at a shortage of all fruits and vegetables. I remember going to the grocery store at the end of the summer looking for strawberries and I heard someone say, "There are no more strawberries left in Israel". What on Earth?! How do you run out of strawberries?! Well, during the Shmita year, you sure do.

2. On top of every building in Israel is a dud shemesh. It's a big tank that controls the heat and hot water system. Before showering or using any form of heat, you must turn it on. And immediately afterwards, turn it off. This sounds like the most tedious activity ever... and I honestly cannot argue otherwise.

3., 4., 5., 6., and so on. We recycle, we use public transportation, many don't use paper towels, heat is only used for a couple hours a day at maximum, our water is vital so we take short showers and never let the faucet run, etc.

Israelis care a lot about where they are living. They work hard for the minimal resources they have. Kibbutzim exist all over the country, where people are working for their food, energy, and sustenance. Things are not easy here at all and despite minimally complaining, that's okay. It's okay for things to be hard. Everything doesn't need to be as quick and instant as Americans believe. Sometimes it's cold when you get out of the shower. Sometimes you can't find your favorite fruit at the grocery store. Sometimes the bus comes at 9:15 instead of 8:55 and you're late for school.

That's what work is though. This is a nation continuing it's relationship with the land it lives on and has lived on forever. Just because we have computers and cell phones, high power stoves and heating systems, and plastic water bottles galore, we don't need to abuse them. We need to continue developing a relationship with this special place because when you work hard for something, even if it is so hard it becomes a true "hardship", the results become far greater than you could ever previously imagined.