Yesterday was terrible.
I woke up this morning entirely not in the mood to go to school so I slept through my alarm, with all five snoozes included. Soon after the fifth, I got a phone call that my interview for YU was actually scheduled for today and the woman and myself had both made errors saying "See you Tuesday" the last time we spoke. I ended up waking up faster than expected and have been in a daze for the last two hours.
I think I'm just being moody. I spoke with Rabbi Shurin for a while yesterday about all of the things bothering me and I felt comforted afterward. Not exactly better, but comforted. I felt secure with my feelings but still upset that I'm feeling so saturated with everything going on.
Today I get to see where my life takes me. I'm curious if that place will be Israel or New York - or some interesting combination of both. I don't know which I prefer and I know that today is definitely not my most Zionistic day being here. I am praying that my lack of enthusiasm does not show through my big smile and pretty outfit.
I felt secure with my decisions last week and insecure with with them now. These are big decisions. I'm a real adult, with a draining bank account, with big decisions on the line. I apparently have not "found myself" yet as a Jewish woman, though Rabbi Shurin attempted to convince me otherwise.
When you become religious in America, you're given one option: Move forward. It's a black and white game and you're on one side of the spectrum no matter how you look at it. The last two months have been a whirlwind for me because I have been exposed to so many different types of Jews. I was with close friends in Boston, New York, and London. And of course, close friends in Israel. I was surrounded by tons of "Modern Orthodox" and "Traditional" Jews... and something (well, many things) about this lifestyle greatly appealed to me. I like how these are categories, but within these categories, there is so much flexibility and what appears to be a lesser degree of judgement. I see judgement continually while living in a true "frum" environment and it is absolutely sickening me. I can't handle being around it and I don't want to be a part of it. I mentioned to Rabbi Shurin that it almost reminds me to extreme Islam and how they abuse the words in their holy scriptures. I've been experiencing the same thing in my own religion and I can't bear to be around it right now. I know it's important to not judge Judaism but the Jew, but sometimes, it's just too hard to do otherwise.
I was speaking with a girl in school the other day about the time table for a swimming pool at a local hotel and as we were talking, I could feel myself becoming more and more excited. Images of my memories lifeguarding at the YMCA in Boston and the PAC-10 pool in Arizona were flying through my mind. Splashing with friends, swimming laps, teaching lessons to little kids. I couldn't stop smiling as she told me more and more of the details. This feeling felt so normal, so me. It felt like the me before I came to Israel the first time. It felt like the me who knew nothing other than her Conservative synagogue that I had my Bat Mitzvah at nine years ago.
I sit every night and watch my roommate while she watches television shows on her computer. At first I didn't understand how a girl who was raised quite religious and went to religious schools could sit and watch television. That is so not what you're "supposed" to do in this community. I did not understand her Desparate Housewives or The Hills until last night when I realized that we need these things to stay sane. We are Americans (or British or Australian or whatever else) and we need this "normal"ness or we will go crazy and become saturated. We need to stay in tune with ourselves and grow closer to G-d and religion through acquiring knowledge in our classes and life experiences. The rest will come. Life is a growing process, not just Judaism. Though I strongly believe that Judaism should be (and realistically is) intertwined in every part of my life, I need to look beyond it and realize that I'm still me, needing the swimming pool and television just as I did when I was 16.
