The simple phrase “Have a great day” is beautiful to both say and hear. My ability to properly converse in America has brought me back to my positive self. I am able to say what I want, when I want, to who I want. Communication is so vital to functioning in the society you are in. I need to get to the point where I am able to do this properly in Israel or I don’t see a future in happily living there for the rest of my life. I’m sure I can learn enough Hebrew to survive and function as part of society, but the basic fact that English is my native language, the language where I can fluidly express my thoughts, feelings, and ideas, is something that cannot be ignored.
I went to Target yesterday and realized how easy it is to walk through one doorway and see everything you would ever need for life right before your eyes. Really, this doesn’t happen everywhere. Don’t get my wrong, I love shopping in Israel but the difficulty of searching at a different store for each of the fifteen items on my shopping list can get very tiring.
I’m in New York though. It’s not so temporary either. I have an apartment that I will officially move into on Monday. I have friends who live subway rides away throughout the island of Manhattan. I feel like a small fish in a huge, endless ocean. I don’t know any of the tricks to living here and I don’t know where to begin. But I do know that I have to begin somewhere and that I will begin somewhere and that soon enough, I will get to a point where I am comfortable.
I can’t believe how tumultuous my arrival in America was and I take that as a strong sign that America is not the place for me, despite my positive communication and shopping experiences. I feel like the stuffed animal in the toy vending machine, while my family is the claw. It has a terrible grip on me. It’s barely holding me at all and my fur is about to disconnect from my body and drop me flat on my face. But it hasn’t yet. I’m just dangling there. Hanging over the world, struggling to sit up straight but still being physically supported by the claw above.
I need to be dropped. I need to fall, hard. I need to experience the world without the claw, from the bottom, with everyone else. I need to find my way up again, financially, socially, and emotionally. I can’t dangle anymore because it hurts too much. I’m not being held like a winning stuffed animal would prior to being dropped down into the prize bin.
Separation is hard, especially from those who bring you into the world and ultimately raise you. I don’t think this should ever stop, but in my own life, it will. I’m sorry if people get hurt along the way but I need to take out the loans, settle into this new city (and ultimately into a new country), and face the world for the first time without being held up at all.
