11/10

Tonight on the bus ride home from Neve Yaakov, Caroline asked me how I would rank this year's Purim and I responded "11 out of 10". It was truly a phenomenal experience with great friends, close teachers, and the comfort and excitement of Jerusalem surrounding me.

Today we exchanged presents in the morning around the MRC apartments. Kate made me a gorgeous watercolor painting and I put it up on my window. We ate lots (... and lots) of hamantashens that we made the other day in the Gush with our teacher Osnat and we sang and danced around the apartment. I stopped by the Mannings to wish them a happy Purim and give the kids presents and then about 15 of us met up at the Central Bus Station to head out to Rabbi Shurin's in Neve Yaakov for his seudah (meal).

Rabbi Shurin's family is mindblowing to me. As an only child, simply having a roommate is a culture shock. The Shurin's have ten children and it's incredible. We met a lot of them today and celebrated with them at the extra long table. We ate delicious food, sang, listened to stories, drank wine, and laughed ... we laughed a lot! People told so many jokes. My favorite was: What happens when you squeeze a shul (synagogue)? You get Jews!

There were quite a few moments when I looked around me on all sides and realized how happy I was to be surrounded by such special people. My roommate was across from me, my other friends to my left and right, and my Rabbi sitting at the head of the table. When we got off the bus, I also saw Joe from Arizona. Now that was a small world, "only in Israel", moment. I don't typically like big social situations but this was definitely an exception.

I just got home and I realized that my bright mood has dimmed a bit after reading the news. There are so many rockets being fired at Southern Israel and it is sickening. I don't understand. I can honestly say that. It boggles my mind how someone could shoot a rocket at someone else, how someone could kidnap someone else, or how someone could blow something up like a bus. I can't comprehend this. Today was a very special day for the Jewish people because Purim is a time to celebrate miracles and all of the amazing feats the Jews have accomplished throughout the years - most importantly, those rooted in getting rid of evil people from the world. It is such a shame that these people exist. There are two sides to every story and it is astonishing to me how so few people in the world are so blind to the reality of the situation here in Israel. These rockets are not a joke. They are not toys that we play with or stories simply being told. They are big projectiles being shot at people's homes, schools, synagogues, and streets. They are hitting people. They are destroying properties. They are emotionally harming people forever.

If someone shot a rocket at Boston or at Tempe, President Obama would not stand for it. The American people would not stand for it. There is absolutely nothing that justifies what is going on and I cannot even begin to comprehend how nations in the world feel it is necessary to donate money to rebuild Gaza... when Gaza is shooting rockets at a civil country. It is disgusting and really sets us back in terms of the celebrations across this country.

Chag Sameach!

I'm learning more and more about what it means to be Jewish as each moment passes during my time in Israel. Today was no exception. It's 2:45 am and I just got in from a fabulous night with my amazing friends from school.

I can briefly list the things I did today, beginning with spending the entire 'day' getting to and from IKEA in Netanya (we left at 10 and got back at 7) with Sabrina. We had so much fun though! Despite taking so many buses, getting lost a few times, missing out on our trip to Tel Aviv, and everything taking about 5x longer than expected, we ended up getting to IKEA in one piece and getting exactly what we wanted. I just peaked in and Sabrina is sleeping happily with her new pillow (a real pillow, not an 'Israeli pillow') and my happy lamp is bright and shining in my room. I feel SO at home right now. I don't even want to think about anywhere else I have ever lived - this is home and will always be home. Thankfully, IKEA has come to my home.

When we were at the store, the employees erupted in Purim songs and were playing intruments and singing all around the store. I took some great videos of the action. It was like one big party. And totally an "Only in Israel" moment!

After, I ate hamantashens and heard the megilla for the first time. Yes, the first time. I feel like 95% of the things I say, do, hear, and experience in Israel are really brand new to me. I wasn't raised religious or exposed to most of this stuff. I learned a little about Purim as a kid in Sunday school but that's it. Sabrina had to give me a brief synopsis before we got the shul tonight. I was so excited to go to a new shul too. This one was on Brand, a few doors down from us. It's where Rabbi Manning and Rabbi Sedley daven. Luckily, we saw the Sedley's and I felt at home versus like a visitor at a random shul. Rabbi Sedley even found me an English translation of the megilla (a rarity in Har Nof). We made noises every time we heard Haman's name and listened attentively to every word.

Then, Sabrina and I put on our costumes: matching black mice with little black ears that we picked up for 7 shek. The perfect, cheap costume. We took the bus to the shuk and walked through Nachlaot to our friend Leia's house party. The walk was so much fun - we saw people of all ages dancing through the streets. People were singing and drinking everywhere! We became friendly with a guy from Toronto while walking there and we ended up helping each other navigate the way. Finally we got to Leia's and it was filled with our friends from school and from Shearim, another school in Har Nof that my friends go to as well. It was so fun dancing and celebrating the holiday. It's amazing to dance and drink but listen to girls give dvar Torah's (speeches) and give each other blessings deep from their hearts while partying like crazy. It shows that religious girls truly know how to have a good time - and it's sincere as well. It's so important for me to be exposed to people like this and these kind of situations. This is a huge reason why I love my school: girls come from all backgrounds and form this cohesive unit that truly shines.

After, a bunch of us walked to the Old City, through the Old City, to the Kotel, and most importantly - into the deep walls of the arches beneath the Kotel. It was beyond amazing. Words cannot even begin to describe this experience. We davened (prayed) for a long time amidst the deep Earth. We were surrounded by stone and all we could smell was the mustiness of the depth around us. It was a really fascinating experience. It was also quite funny because we were dressed up as a mouse, a leopard, and a bee... and we were praying at the Kotel. Only on Purim!

Then we attempted to get home (for quite a while) and realized (not for the first time) that taking a taxi from the Kotel is no easy feat. We really wanted to squeeze 5 of us into one taxi and finally one let us. It was hilarious. We blasted music the entire way home and pretended like our tiny taxi was a club.

I'm finally home and cannot stop smiling. I don't want to go to sleep despite it being 3 am because I am so happy. I've never celebrated Purim (halachically) before. I've never done a lot of these things before; but thankfully, I know that I never want to live my life any other way.

My Mirpesset

I spent a large portion of my shabbat day out on my mirpesset (porch, in Hebrew). It was a beautiful day in Jerusalem; the sun was shining, warmth filled the air, and the smell of spring was all around us. Our view is incredible - from our mirpesset, you can see the Jerusalem Forest and all of the suburbs surrounding Jerusalem from the West. Har Nof is on the very edge of the city and you can almost see Tel Aviv from it. I bet you could if you had binoculars on a clear day.

Shabbat was so relaxing. I slept a lot. I had amazing meals at both the Mannings and the Sedleys. It was my first Shabbat to ever spend in my own bed and I loved it. It was strange without my roommate here but my friend Nina came and we had all of our meals together. I loved not having to pack an overnight bag. I also loved waking up in the morning and seeing an entire closet full of clothing to choose from versus whatever I had quickly packed into an overnight bag the day before. Shul is across the street so while the Rabbi was speaking (in Hebrew, so not entirely worth listening to) I walked home, got my sunglasses, and walked back. It's amazing to be able to do that.

Between the Sedley's at lunch and the other MRC apartment for 3rd meal, I sat on the mirpesset and ended up falling asleep. I was just staring outward at the beautiful view before me, thinking over and over again how much I want to call Israel home. Not just 'home to the Jewish people' but home to me. I want to live here so badly. I want to experience this feeling every 7th day - and not in the way it is experienced in the US. I want to experience it in full - I want to walk down the streets of the neighborhoods and not worry that a car will drive through. Imagine that: a busy neighborhood where three year olds are running around in the middle of the road and playing games with friends (often without even being supervised by parents) without the fear of cars hitting them or dangerous strangers. Last night, it was interesting to hear Sarah Manning talk about how in Israel you train your kids to talk to strangers versus avoid them. It sounds so silly, but it's so smart. If they ever need anything, a stranger can and most often will help them. I've never experienced this anywhere else. And, I'm not only referring to your home neighborhood - it's like this almost everywhere in Jerusalem.

Third meal was so nice tonight - it really took over what I had been lacking for over a year of being religious. I spent it with a lot of the girls from school at another apartment. We all either made or brought food and ate, sang songs, laughed, danced around, played games, and relaxed together. It was incredible to be around such a great group of people who are 'on the same page' as I am. As amazing as the Jewish community in Arizona is, I always found it so challenging to get ready for Shabbos alone or to be sitting at a table on a Friday night next to my closest friends who were all discussing what party to go to after the meal finished.

At the same time, I miss Arizona. I wish everyone I loved was right here, experiencing Israel in the same way I am.

I hope that can happen soon :)



*Pictures, from top to bottom: My mirpesset at sundown, my side of my bedroom, Idan Reichel at the Idan Reichel Project concert, a Jerusalem sign, the view from my mirpesset down Chai Taib toward Jerusalem, and lastly, the Kotel in the Old City at night.

Friday: Some pre-shabbos thoughts

Friday's in Israel are by far my favorite day of the week. Unlike everywhere else in the world, Friday means it is officially the weekend. I haven't written much lately because I am trying to distance myself from 1. America and 2. the internet. I'm not doing a very good job at either but I really am trying to at least acknowledge when I am giving more attention to things that are not 'real' or 'in the moment' than to the important people, places, culture, life, and history that is right before my eyes. Too much of my first week in Israel was spent on my computer but I know that spending my time like that was what I needed. Now, I don't think I need that anymore.

My classes have been going really well. I'm starting to catch onto Hebrew but I get very embarrassed and still won't ever use it. In life, you're either a leader or a follower. In every situation you find yourself in, you have to quickly decide, "Will I step forward or will I let someone else take the lead", and in terms of speaking Hebrew, I always step backward. I'm not sure if this is a problem because at the same time, I have learned that patience and letting others teach you (instead of being a know-it-all or guessing) is often the best choice in difficult situations. Maybe for now it is the best idea. I hope that soon I am able to take the reigns though because I know deep down that I can do it.

Graduate school options have been irking me lately. I've spoken with a lot of people who I consider very trustworthy and whose opinions I truly value. These conversations have been helpful and have provided me with the guidance I need to proceed forward in the decision making process. Currently, I would like to stay in Israel. Ideally, I want to do the Block program at Yeshiva University, which means I would spend the summers in New York City and the school year in Israel.

I find myself growing more and more intimately attached to Israel as my time here progresses. Arizona is a very easy place to live. Boston is a very comfortable place to live. New York City is exciting... and practically every other major city in the world in has treated me well. I adored Paris and London and could even imagine spending part of my life in Athens. But Israel is different. It's not just the Jewish element. Or the Zionistic element. It's not the food. Or the people. Or the history. It's everything combined. Israel is a place where I feel closer to the neighbors in my apartment building who I have never met than I do to the neighbors in my condo complex in Arizona who I saw daily. It is a place where bombs and rockets are falling a couple hundred miles away and I feel safer than I do in my house in Boston. Israel is a place where I have things in common with almost every single person here. It is a placed overflowing with history and culture; a place where you could not be bored if you tried. I could never list why I love Israel in one blog entry, or even in twenty. It's not a matter of liking or loving it either. It's a matter of just intrinsically knowing that the feeling I have about this country, including the land and the people living here, is more real than any other feeling I have ever experienced toward a place.

But yes, I am living a "life of hardships" as my Dad repetitively told me I would be doing if I decided to come here. I gave an interesting dvar Torah on this topic in Arizona and in the Heights before I came. After learning more about the Exodus from Egypt to Canaan (the land of Israel), I began to think more about the situation from a bird's eye view. So we have one land, Egypt, where everything is abundant. It is the most fertile area around because of the Nile and all of us know that fertile land = the ideal place to live.

So why on Earth would God tell us to leave Egypt? More importantly, why would we listen?! We had it all. Without getting into specifics (and of course there were hardships), it just made no sense to me why God picked Israel. If you look at Israel from a topographic (I think that's the right word) standpoint, you see a desert. More specifically, Israel is really small (about the size of New Jersey). You see a small river running through it, a sea on one side, and a very small lake at the top. Other than that, it's primarily desert, uninhabited by most people, animals, and plants. Things cannot grow in the desert! So, why here?

Dad, you could not have said it better. Israel is a land of hardships. It's true. But, is the word "hardship" as negative as we make it out to be? I can give a few examples to explain why I strongly think the opposite.

1. This past summer, I was here during the Shmita year. This means that crops were left to rest and Israel was basically at a shortage of all fruits and vegetables. I remember going to the grocery store at the end of the summer looking for strawberries and I heard someone say, "There are no more strawberries left in Israel". What on Earth?! How do you run out of strawberries?! Well, during the Shmita year, you sure do.

2. On top of every building in Israel is a dud shemesh. It's a big tank that controls the heat and hot water system. Before showering or using any form of heat, you must turn it on. And immediately afterwards, turn it off. This sounds like the most tedious activity ever... and I honestly cannot argue otherwise.

3., 4., 5., 6., and so on. We recycle, we use public transportation, many don't use paper towels, heat is only used for a couple hours a day at maximum, our water is vital so we take short showers and never let the faucet run, etc.

Israelis care a lot about where they are living. They work hard for the minimal resources they have. Kibbutzim exist all over the country, where people are working for their food, energy, and sustenance. Things are not easy here at all and despite minimally complaining, that's okay. It's okay for things to be hard. Everything doesn't need to be as quick and instant as Americans believe. Sometimes it's cold when you get out of the shower. Sometimes you can't find your favorite fruit at the grocery store. Sometimes the bus comes at 9:15 instead of 8:55 and you're late for school.

That's what work is though. This is a nation continuing it's relationship with the land it lives on and has lived on forever. Just because we have computers and cell phones, high power stoves and heating systems, and plastic water bottles galore, we don't need to abuse them. We need to continue developing a relationship with this special place because when you work hard for something, even if it is so hard it becomes a true "hardship", the results become far greater than you could ever previously imagined.

To Give and to.... Give

Chesed are acts of kindness and that has clearly been the central theme of the last few days in Israel. I could begin explaining the last few days in a million ways, but somehow, all of my catchy titles seem to fall underneath the category of the chesed I have both been a part of and witnessed in Jerusalem.

Yesterday was my first day of school and it was absolutely incredible. I was so nervous before I got there and then walked in and was even more nervous. Finally, I heard Osnat's voice through the door and I was immediately put at ease. Osnat was my Navi (Prophets) teacher this summer and one of the most influential people who I have met in Israel. We hugged and hugged and I started class right by her side. Within minutes, it felt like August 5th, the day after I left this summer. We began studying and breaking apart the words in the text and I realized how amazing it felt to feel so intellectually challenged. It's so difficult and languages definitely do not come naturally to me. I'm not a quick learner at all! But after three hours of class, I realized that I was smiling from ear to ear.

In the middle of the day, our school went on a tiyul (trip) to Yad Sarah, a chesed organization located about thirty minutes (walking) away from school. I took the walk with a few new friends and that was all I needed to fall in love with Israel. I saw everything from the cats in/on/under the dumpsters to the never ending construction all around the city. It was amazing to breathe the fresh air and engage in conversations with girls who I'm sure will soon become my closest friends. At Yad Sarah, our tour guide began our day with a video of what Yad Sarah does and its goals and I felt like I was really in the right place. It was incredible the way it spoke about the organization reaching out to the entire country - and not only Israel, but many other countries. We went upstairs to see more of Yad Sarah in action and visited an area designed by occupational therapists that caters to those with disabilities, both major and minor. The goal of this area was to provide people with tools to make their lives easier and more pleasant, such as a stand to hold playing cards for someone who does not have the strength in their hands after a stroke.

The rest of the day was filled with classes and in the afternoon, my new roommate, Sabrina, arrived at school. We left a little early and went back to the dorm together. We quickly realized we both have way more clothes than our little closets can handle but luckily we are the same size so now we just have double the wardrobe. I think it's going to be a great match :) I also met the girl who lives next door to me, Amanda, and we are both applying to the same program at YU for the fall. It's going to be amazing to go through the process with someone else by my side.

On that note - I heard back from Wurzweiler at YU today! And I was accepted! I'm almost positive I am going to accept the acceptance, which gives me so much to look forward to in the fall. It's also nice to know that it's not an 'end all be all' situation and I could always defer or do a portion of it in Israel. It's nice to know that a school like this gives you plenty of options.

Last night was just as great, if not greater, than the actual day. My friend Kate got engaged! And, the best part, all of our close friends got to watch! Her boyfriend set up this amazing night for them at an apartment down the street and we came earlier to surprise her for when it happened. Kate and I lived together this summer and now we're together again so this was definitely something exciting to come back to.

Today I woke up and took a shower... and I must admit, it is difficult being so cold when you get out of the shower. I practically feel like I'm camping. It's hard living with no (I mean, minimal) heat. I really miss heat. I also miss mattresses that are wider than 2 feet and thicker than 4 inches. Seriously, I'm not kidding. But, it's part of the yeshiva-lifestyle and I know there are bigger things to worry about in the world. Yesterday I talked with my friend Yonadov and he tried convincing me how strange it is to go from Israel to America and go to a big bed. I think that's crazy!

I had Chumash today and I realized how little I remember, yet again. So I hope I can start tutoring with my friend Shalva soon. I really need to work on this. I want to get as much as I can out of my learning here but it is difficult if I am continually perplexed by anything and everything in Hebrew. I am so intimidated by the language. I don't know why! I don't use it in taxis or on the bus or while shopping. I almost always can use it but I just get nervous and freeze up. Hopefully, I can get comfortable doing so soon.

The rest of our classes went really well and we had a great chicken lunch. Most people complain about yeshiva food but I tend to like it a lot. Our classes before and after lunch were very interesting, ranging from tsniut and the real laws (hint: different from what you're told are real but actually are not written in a single source) to the International vs. Halachic (Jewish law) Date Lines. All of them were incredibly interesting and I came out knowing so much more than I knew before.

After school my friends and I went across the street to Mercaz HaRav, the Rav Cooke Yeshiva that there was a shooting at one year ago, today. Coincidentally, today is also Rosh Hosdesh Adar, meaning the start of the month of Adar, a very exciting month in the Jewish calendar. The whole city was filled with excitement and firecrackers and people preparing for Purim. At the Yeshiva, thousands upon thousands of people sang and danced, celebrating the dedication of 8 sefer Torah scrolls that were given to the school in honor of the 8 boys who lost their lives a year ago. Seeing the excitement and joy coming out of the whole city surrounding this event was breathtaking. It is practically unfathomable to see how Jewish people come together when bad things happen and truly make the best out of such situations. These scrolls represent life and growth and the true acts of chesed within the Jewish people. The celebration continued down the street, Kanfei Nesharim, which borders our two schools. Uplifting would be an understatement for this event - and standing aside my closest friends, holding each other while dancing, singing, and crying, will definitely go down as one of the most moving moment of my life.

Following these events, it became dark and Rachel and I walked/bussed it up to Geula, a neighborhood filled with excitement and shopping. It is a sea of black and white - representing the Chassidic Jews and their clothing style. We shopped a little and got one of our close friends a wedding present that Rachel is going to deliver to her in two weeks in the United States. Then we went to a nut stand and I had a candied almond and 'm&m''s that were not really m&ms. We also picked up dinner at a take-away place.... and it ended up tasting delicious! I had stuffed peppers and fried fish.

Finally, the night concluded at my friend Maya's vort. I learned tonight that the word 'vort' means 'talk' or 'speech' in Yiddish. It's a party, usually held at the Yeshiva of the husband, for the men and women to gather and listen to speeches about the couple who is about to be married. Then, like all Jewish festivities, it ends with dancing and singing and games with close friends. It was so amazing to see Maya so excited and the speeches given by all of our Rabbaim were so deep and moving. I also got to see so many old, close friends whom I had not seen since the summer. It was great to catch up with them all. I'm really starting to feel like this is the place for me.

I have traveled a lot in my life but I have never seen a place where people are so innately giving by nature. Our Rabbi gave a speech tonight at the vort about the importance of bringing chesed into the home and into the relationship. It is so critical to be a giver in all that you do. In Israel, you experience this every moment of every day. It is impossible not to give. It's the 'cool' thing to do. When Rachel and I were in Geula this afternoon, we gave money to a man asking for tzedakah (charity) on the sidewalk and Rachel began a nice conversation with him about what she studied and her teaching after college. That simple time that she gave to a man who appeared lonely on the side of the road is something rare to witness anywhere else. I have seen acts of chesed over and over again through all of my friends and inside my school that make me filled with joy to be a part of such a wonderful community, but more importantly, such a wonderful country. I cannot imagine being anywhere else.

this year, in Jerusalem.

A lot happened today. First, I left Ramat Beit Shemesh by bus for Jerusalem. After I got here, I met up with Zeus/my bags and took a taxi to Midreshet Rachel. I ate lunch, met with everyone, and then took another taxi to my new apartment in Har Nof. I felt like I was in a big daze all day long. Everything was surreal. Everyone, including myself, expected that I just knew everything - where to go, what to say, what to do. I did know all of this but I felt very alone throughout the move. A lot of people offered to (and did) help but the entire time I couldn't stop feeling alone. For the first time ever traveling, I didn't have a close friend by my side. I've never been in Israel without someone right there to hold my hand every step of the way. This past summer Jen was there in the bed next to me all the time and I know that if I ever needed anything, even if it were the middle of the night, she would be right at my side. It's different now. It's a different year, a different experience. Tomorrow I'm going to make new friends and have experiences like no other. I'll see some familiar faces but it will be different. I'm nervous to start school. I barely remember any Hebrew and I'm scared to be really far behind the rest of the class.

My friend Anna came up today from Be'er Sheva and I got to spend the majority of the afternoon with her. Finally, not only a familiar face, but a true friend. She brought me snacks (I think I ate 10 oreos, a bag of beesli, and cookies within an hour) and sat with me while I unpacked. Then, we went to the bus station together and I got a rug for my room. Now, I'm sitting here in my room and I think I'm allergic to my bargain 30 shek rug. I'm bummed about this. It matches my Ikea comforter so well. Bringing my comforter and pillow cases was a fabulous idea. Now, I just need my happy lamp. At first I thought that wasn't a possibility - but oh, just wait - it is! I just need to find someone with a car to take me up to the Ikea up north to buy a new happy lamp. This will happen in due time. No worries. My room will be magically lit up soon.

I hung up all my clothes and set up a space heater so I'm feeling a little more cozy than before. I just have to hang up a big paper ball thing over my lamp, put up my pictures (same ones from my walls in AZ), and put up my Israeli flag from Yom Yerushalayim last May and I think I will feel very at home. Well, not very at home. But at home. I have a little bit of junk food for the morning for 'breakfast' and hopefully I'll get some healthier stuff later this week. Typical though, tomorrow we have a night class and Tuesday is a friend's vort (wedding party). So, just as I thought, I would have zero time to do anything practical while at sem other than go to school.

It's okay though. I'm in Israel. That's all that matters. I'm really surrounded by some of the most incredible people in the world and I'm in the best place in the world. I've been given some great advice by many trusted people that I should go out and take a walk. Hopefully, I will get to do that at some point over the next few days. I have no idea what I'm doing for Shabbos yet, or Purim, or Pesach. I don't even want to think about this stuff yet, but it's all just around the corner. Time to go turn on the dud for a shower... then sleep... and then school in the morning :)

I woke up this morning...

... to sounds of:
- hail pounding on my window
- babies crying
- families playing
- car alarms
- Hebrew songs from men walking down the street to shul

The last 48 hours have been really nice. I've been in Ramat Beit Shemesh at the Elefant's and Ariela and Zeus have been taking great care of me. It was exactly what I needed upon arriving here. I've been spending the majority of my time eating and sleeping. I miss Ariela's food so much! The boys, Akiva, Shlomo, and Ahron, have become so big. We've been playing a lot of games together and I've been listening to them recite the lessons they have been learning in school. They know way more Hebrew than me! I didn't really understand how American families can send their children to Hebrew-only schools, but it is starting to make sense because it seems like the best way to learn the language, especially if the parents speak to the children in English at home.

Last night it was just Ariela, Zeus, and I for dinner, which was so relaxing. After we ate, I went to an Oneg a few doors down in a building that my school, Midreshet Rachel v'Chaya, coincidentally was spending the weekend at for Shabbat. Zeus walked me there and I was so nervous. I really don't like the feeling of walking into big groups of people or parties. No one ever understands this about me because I'm so outgoing. I get really, really nervous though! Anyways, he walked me in so I wasn't alone and as soon as I saw familiar faces, I felt at ease. Zia gave me a big hug, which was quickly joined by Jill, Rachel, and Kate. It was great to see my friends again and exciting to see a sea of faces of whom I would soon become friends with. I'm nervous to make new friends (I know, surprising again). I love my current friends and I don't like changing things like that when everything I have is so great. I hope this doesn't hinder my social life.

Rabbi Shurin gave a great shuir during the oneg about Israel and the importance of the Jews living here. I wish I was more awake to reiterate it here - it's definitely on my list of things to talk with him about because I want to share that shuir with as many friends and family back home as possible. I also read a blog earlier from my friend Kate who wrote about how Israel has everything you could ever want or need. It's true. It's such a small place that offers so much. I hope to discover more and more of this in the coming months and strengthen my passion for living and learning here even more.

I slept really well last night (in addition to a 4 hour nap today!) and had a great meal with the Elefant's and a couple who just moved to the neighborhood. The girl was only 21 and had been married for two years. It's such a culture shock to see people like that. I feel like if I ever told my parents I was getting married a couple years ago, they would completely disown me. But, it is so interesting to see how happy these people are. All of them, the Elefant's included (who were married at 18 & 19 as well). It's interesting to see the age differences in couples, too, and see how age is really 'nothing but a number'. In my own life, I have seen that over the past few months, and it makes me laugh every time I take myself out of my world and look in at my life and think to myself how I can be so close to people years younger than me. But then I step back in and realize that I couldn't be happier. It's often difficult to adjust to things that you're not used to but it is amazing to realize that so many of our preconceptions are not actually based in much truth.

So tonight Shabbat came to a close and we had a nice havdallah in the dining room. Then we played cards - two new games I had never heard of - one was called Shithead (but Ariela insists it is pronounced unlike it appears) and the other was Casino. The first was easy and fun and I quickly began beating both Ariela and Zeus and the second was so stupid. Ariela and I had no patience for Zeus's explanation and quickly gave up. Maybe another day...

Tomorrow morning, Zeus is bringing my luggage to Jerusalem and then I'm heading in around noon to go to my first 'day' (well, half day) of school at Midreshet Rachel. I'm excited but not excited at the same time. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think I will be fully excited once I'm there. I like being organized though and I haven't moved into my apartment yet so I still feel very discombobulated. Big word, ha. For those of you who know my pet-peeve of having an organized 'Office Max' section of my room - this is definitely what's urking me now. I need my little office area all set up and ready to go (scizzors, glue, stickies, etc. all in the right place) before I can function happily anywhere. Soon enough though.

Here's to a great eight months in Jerusalem :)

Eyes.

I think I'm a little homesick.

I often begin to feel this way right around the time I realize I would rather sit on my computer and catch up with friends far away than go out and have fun with people in the room next door. I'm feeling quite unfulfilled right now. I'm having a great time with great friends and family halfway across the world - shopping, sightseeing, and just simply relaxing in new and exciting places - but something deep down doesn't feel quite right.

I'm nervous to go to Israel tomorrow for countless reasons, but mainly because I am scared to begin this chapter of my life. I miss those I love more than words can explain. Family aside, I miss my friends. I miss those who I have developed connections with, those who have truly shaped the person who I have become.

After skyping for a while last night, I realized that video chatting just doesn't cut it. It's great, and of course, the next best thing to being across the couch from someone, but it hurts so much to know that the camera is just a camera. You're not looking into their eyes at all. You're looking at a little black hole that somehow, indirectly projects a person onto your screen. It's fuzzy and unclear. It jumps at awkward moments and it makes you feel thousands of miles away despite it being designed to do just the opposite.

There's something special about eye contact that makes relationships so intrinsically special. Looking deep into someone's eyes is scary. There are not many people whose eyes I have found myself looking deep into. I don't often do it with my family or even with my closest friends. I think I avoid doing this because of the fear of the immediate emotional closeness you achieve when you do this.

Before I left Arizona, someone looked into my eyes. A lot. I often avoided it for the reason I just wrote about and soon found my own eyes magnetizing toward the pair looking at them. I would always dart them away but just that quick feeling of our two selves aligning was enough to feel a closeness like no other. I'm not sure what all of this means. I'm not sure if these eyes found something in my own that is unique and special or if I simply never noticed the importance of truly looking into someone else's eyes before. I miss this though. I miss leaning against walls, sitting on couches, talking by a fireplace, and taking part in a dialogue like I had never taken part in before, one which was guided by my eyes.

the last undergraduate school vacation

The days of school vacation are quickly coming to an end. This week was a little out of the norm though and I think it's necessary to reflect on the course of events.

- I had my first meaningful Shabbat in a long time
- I spent time with numerous old friends from Aish
- I spent a weekend with my cousin and close friend
- I sprained my ankle and faced a test in which I had to decide if I should pick up the phone on Shabbat and decided against it
- Two boys attempted to kiss me
- I dressed tsniusly, without any exceptions
- I purchased a new chumash
- The Mumbai attacks took place and many Jews were murdered
- A good friend's grandfather passed away and I attended the funeral
- I went to my grandmother's unveiling at a cemetery
- I baked challah
- I got psychoanalyzed, twice
- I cried
- I spent Shabbat with two rabbis who have significantly affected my life
- A good friend's baby was born and named
- My Rabbi and his wife had a new baby

With the course of these events, I began to realize that every time I step foot out my door, I must question the role I will play. First, I am continually finding myself questioning if I am about to be an adult or a child. This is a major characteristic of emerging adulthood and it has its pros and cons. When I left my house for the unveiling on Sunday, I was a child. I was driving myself to the cemetery but as soon as I arrived, I took on the role of the baby in the group. I wasn't leading, I was just standing there, following the crowd. But then I went to a funeral. I drove myself, parked on my own, and entered the funeral home with no one at my side. I stood there alone in the back and cried to myself while I listened attentively to the words spoken about this great man. They told stories of his days in the Holocaust and how he lost his entire family before being able to come to America to create the one before me. I wept and soon left before it ended because I knew I had to get back to my own family. I felt like a complete adult at that point though.

I experienced the ending of life and the beginning of life a lot this week. Whether it touched me personally with my own grandmother or I watched the newscaster repeat the stories of Mumbai over and over again, death surrounded me. Up until a couple of years ago, I had never known anybody who had died. I then attended my father's mother's funeral and was left in utter confusion. Next was my mother's mother just a year ago. During the time of this second funeral, I decided to take a course on bereavement called Death & Dying at ASU. I loved it and learned a lot about the process in which humans come to terms with the ending of one's life. For part of this class, I had to visit a funeral home and I decided to go to a Jewish one to try to make more sense of the few episodes of death I had since been exposed to. It helped and it is strange, but I feel like I am okay dealing with it now. I'm sure it has a lot to do with coming closer to Judaism and understanding the process in its entirety.

It is surprising to me how I experienced life this vacation as well. Two births in about two weeks. It's beautiful to see people close to me bring new lives into this world. I remember crying at Jason's grandfather's funeral and I also remember crying when I first saw pictures of Rachael's new baby boy.

Life feels very real this week. Life is definitely precious. I watch so many people in my life act so carelessly. Drinking, smoking, gambling, having random sexual encounters. It is all around me. It's difficult to comprehend how people care so little about themselves and the world around them that they feel it is acceptable to lessen their lives through acts such as these.

Ah, so it goes. Three more classes left, then college is over.

So climatic.

I know who I am.

It's a good feeling, too. For the past month, I have had absolutely no idea of how I fit into the reality that I somehow found myself in. I do now though.

I'm graduating college in a little less than 50 days (46 to be specific) and it's great. I passed my thesis defense on Friday. I was sick on Thursday. I drank myself silly on Wednesday. I guess you could say this wasn't a typical week in college, yet still climatic in more ways than one. The events that panned out were stressful, exciting, educational, and experimental. I don't know if those are the best adjectives but they are the first four that come to my mind. I took many chances, lived on the edge, and acted extremely immature while realizing something very mature. I think the battle between immaturity and maturity is a constant event lately. I want to be stupid and I want to be smart. I know how to make the right decisions but I definitely know how to stray from the righteous path. I feel like I found an interesting trail this week that I want to follow but I'm not sure how to do so. I also don't want a ridiculous bout of immaturity to shed on what matters.

That probably made no sense.

I'm curious what initiates an emotional attachment to something or someone. Is it the first time you meet? Honestly, that's probably the right answer. Maybe it's the first time you touch. But you can be emotionally attached to people you have never touched. Well, maybe you can't be. I'm not sure. I want to understand this. This week I realized how great physical touch is and how harmful it can be. It is entirely distracting from everything else. I don't understand this and I want to. I think that's it for now.