I need to make a list.
To do:
Complete section of thesis
Submit biology homework
Biology quiz
Readings for other biology class
20 minute written presentation on the family
I don't know anyone else who has this much school work after being in school for a total of six days. It's so annoying. I like work, but this is a bit much.
Anyways, the weekend was okay. For once, shabbat wasn't the big social spot on campus so I could somewhat enjoy it. Good company and good food. It's hard to complain about.
Between Friday's emotional explosion (pre-GRE, GRE, and post-GRE) I felt unbelievably lonely. The only person I really told was my Dad. I hid it from my best friends pretty well. I think they believed I was okay. I kind of broke down after a few minutes of services and left the room to drink water. I was dizzy and my head was pounding from crying so hard earlier. Soon, the feeling started to go away and I fell asleep next to Brooke on Suzy's couch and surprisingly, slept well throughout the night.
Friday night, Rabbi Yudi shed some light on me about his "happy" philosophy on life. It basically revolves around seeing the happiness in all situations. Immediately, I thought back to that afternoon, and the feeling that surrounded me after the test. I told him I couldn't understand how to see the happiness in that situation. But even though I told him that, I knew that I could. It's just not easy. Really hard, crappy things happen to people but seeing the happiness is a very difficult, but efficient, way of handling things.
I am really tired of staring at the computer but I know I have to for many more hours.
There are a lot of things that I want to do right now that don't involve school. I really want to plan my Sunday school curriculum for the year. That's going to take a full day. I also really wanted to go to the Grand Canyon today. I thought I would be able to focus there. I ended up sleeping in way too late today. Hopefully I make it there before the semester ends. It seems like a necessary place to visit before I leave Arizona.
Sunday, August 31
Thursday, August 28
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I am going to take a test that everybody says is important. Apparently, it can make or break a graduate school application. I didn't realize a sane person could judge another sane person on a bubble test until I was applying to colleges four years ago. It boggled my mind then and it boggles my mind now. At least now, as a relatively mature adult, I am aware that more people share my view, including the Princeton Review and numerous other 'test-cracking' companies. Phew, sigh of relief. Just kidding, I still have to take the test.
So apparently this test is four hours long. I'm not going to say that I haven't sat in one place for that long because I have numerous times in my life. I read the whole book that Princeton Review wrote on the test and I skimmed the vocab. Like they say, you really cannot increase your vocabulary in one night. Well, so much for studying the night before. I don't think my vocabulary is that bad. I'm sure I'll do average. Or so I hope.
I keep having this weird desire to take some kind of drug. It's been a long time since I've put anything illegal into my system, but what's illegal anyways? It's all relative. I just want to alter my mindset right now. I ate a big bowl of elbow noodles earlier; those were my favorite when I was little. It was probably about three servings. That's a lot of noodles. And then I ate a lot of Double Rainbow ice cream with hot fudge. And I skipped the bowl step and used the container to the mouth method, hot fudge included. After that, I still felt the need to alter my mind. I came online to see if anyone interesting was on. Not much luck. Then I skimmed the "writing" section of my book. Err, not much luck there either. I think I write just fine. Now I'm here, writing some random slew of thoughts that is most likely not going to aid me on my test, aid me in falling asleep, or aid me in calming my nerves. So, what's the best thing to do right now? I'm not sure. When I was younger, writing brought me clarity. I guess if it's keeping me from taking something I shouldn't be doing out, then it's not a bad alternative.
I took a mini test today for one of my ridiculous online science classes and I got a 7/10. The answers were not in the 2 pages of reading. I couldn't find them online. I asked friends and they didn't know either. It made no sense. Then Meghan took it next to me, got easier questions, and got a 10/10. Sometimes I wonder why things like this happen. I also wonder why I am being forced to take two absurd courses online that are in no way going to further my intelligence.
Sometimes I wonder if I could be a professor. I mean, I could be a professor, but I wonder if I should be. In class, my friend Alex suggested applying for the PhD program in Family & Human Development at ASU. We talked it out and came to the conclusion that both of us would have really strong applications and would most likely be accepted. That's a big deal. There aren't many people who are 21 years old who can conclude that they have a high chance of being accepted to a high ranked PhD program.
This reminds me of senior year of high school (and I will continue to say this). I applied to all these schools for prestige, just to prove to whomever that I could get in. And I did get in. Woohoo. I got a full ride to some great schools. Did I go? Nope. But it was nice to prove it, even if it was just to myself. I almost want to do that again. It's somewhat of a thrill to see what you can achieve. That sounds so incredibly twisted. I wish I understood myself better sometimes.
I feel like I have a very impersonal relationship with the people in my life right now. Yes, that is somewhat of a generalization. Yet, I feel like I have a very personal relationship with the world and with G-d. Does that make sense? And if I move closer one way, do I necessarily have to move farther away from the other? That's what's happening. I'm not sure if I'm doing it to myself though, or if the overall umbrella of everyone being a senior and being too busy for their own good is really what has taken over. Either way, it's somewhat depressing. I miss my friendships and I miss the somewhat solid comfort they create. Hopefully, when time begins to pass faster (i.e. these major exams are taken and the graduate applications are put in the mailbox) we can reestablish the comfort that has been lost. Until then, it's just me and the world. Adventure number 1: Sunday I will go to the Grand Canyon, for the first time, all by myself.
So apparently this test is four hours long. I'm not going to say that I haven't sat in one place for that long because I have numerous times in my life. I read the whole book that Princeton Review wrote on the test and I skimmed the vocab. Like they say, you really cannot increase your vocabulary in one night. Well, so much for studying the night before. I don't think my vocabulary is that bad. I'm sure I'll do average. Or so I hope.
I keep having this weird desire to take some kind of drug. It's been a long time since I've put anything illegal into my system, but what's illegal anyways? It's all relative. I just want to alter my mindset right now. I ate a big bowl of elbow noodles earlier; those were my favorite when I was little. It was probably about three servings. That's a lot of noodles. And then I ate a lot of Double Rainbow ice cream with hot fudge. And I skipped the bowl step and used the container to the mouth method, hot fudge included. After that, I still felt the need to alter my mind. I came online to see if anyone interesting was on. Not much luck. Then I skimmed the "writing" section of my book. Err, not much luck there either. I think I write just fine. Now I'm here, writing some random slew of thoughts that is most likely not going to aid me on my test, aid me in falling asleep, or aid me in calming my nerves. So, what's the best thing to do right now? I'm not sure. When I was younger, writing brought me clarity. I guess if it's keeping me from taking something I shouldn't be doing out, then it's not a bad alternative.
I took a mini test today for one of my ridiculous online science classes and I got a 7/10. The answers were not in the 2 pages of reading. I couldn't find them online. I asked friends and they didn't know either. It made no sense. Then Meghan took it next to me, got easier questions, and got a 10/10. Sometimes I wonder why things like this happen. I also wonder why I am being forced to take two absurd courses online that are in no way going to further my intelligence.
Sometimes I wonder if I could be a professor. I mean, I could be a professor, but I wonder if I should be. In class, my friend Alex suggested applying for the PhD program in Family & Human Development at ASU. We talked it out and came to the conclusion that both of us would have really strong applications and would most likely be accepted. That's a big deal. There aren't many people who are 21 years old who can conclude that they have a high chance of being accepted to a high ranked PhD program.
This reminds me of senior year of high school (and I will continue to say this). I applied to all these schools for prestige, just to prove to whomever that I could get in. And I did get in. Woohoo. I got a full ride to some great schools. Did I go? Nope. But it was nice to prove it, even if it was just to myself. I almost want to do that again. It's somewhat of a thrill to see what you can achieve. That sounds so incredibly twisted. I wish I understood myself better sometimes.
I feel like I have a very impersonal relationship with the people in my life right now. Yes, that is somewhat of a generalization. Yet, I feel like I have a very personal relationship with the world and with G-d. Does that make sense? And if I move closer one way, do I necessarily have to move farther away from the other? That's what's happening. I'm not sure if I'm doing it to myself though, or if the overall umbrella of everyone being a senior and being too busy for their own good is really what has taken over. Either way, it's somewhat depressing. I miss my friendships and I miss the somewhat solid comfort they create. Hopefully, when time begins to pass faster (i.e. these major exams are taken and the graduate applications are put in the mailbox) we can reestablish the comfort that has been lost. Until then, it's just me and the world. Adventure number 1: Sunday I will go to the Grand Canyon, for the first time, all by myself.
Wednesday, August 27
The "Ready Position"
I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I was stuck in that "in between" phase for much too long. People called me and I picked up, only to wake up this morning barely remembering the conversations. I thought and thought and thought about everything my mind could reach out to, hoping for some clarity. Nope, no luck.
I've become more religious; I'm not sure if you've noticed or not. Everyone in Israel warned me about how difficult the transition back to the US would be. I knew it would be difficult. First, dealing with my parents. Second, dealing with my friends. The first wasn't anything like I expected. My Mom and Dad were warm and welcoming. My Dad was proud of me. He really said that. So, check mark in that big box. Next comes Arizona. Everything started out fine. I even kashered my dishes yesterday. I put a mazuzah on my wall, have set up dates to learn Torah, and have become more connected to the Jewish community throughout the valley. Okay, so... check? Not so much. I thought these would be the difficult parts. I thought keeping shabbat would be borderline impossible and keeping kosher would be impossible. I thought not touching boys would be tough. I thought praying would be hard and that small things, like that bathroom prayer, would go unnoticed until I had my own home. But nope, wrong again. These things have all been so easy and I feel great about them every day.
The difficulty that has been looming over me since I arrived is simple, yet complex. It's my friends. Maybe some of you will read this. The issues range across multiple realms but I know that I need to distance myself from some people who I am close with and I need to bring myself closer to those who I barely know. I have to. You might not understand this, but I will break if I don't, and I am very happy with who I have become. I have no intention of turning back.
With a few close friends, I have noticed that our entire relationship revolves around talking about other people. Of course we are close friends for many reasons, not solely this, but this activity that we take part in on an almost daily basis has set a tone for our relationship. It's strange. It's not what I'm used to anymore. And I don't know how to respond. I'm scared to stop calling and I'm scared to not be close friends anymore. I just don't want to take part in it but it's all too hard to tell you.
It's also strange when you see someone naked. Okay, I know, this is a crazy, somewhat grotesque thing to talk about, especially in a public blog. But it's a fact for the majority of secular college students, and as a former secular student, I definitely have seen my share of nakedness. It's strange though how these physical experiences cannot be forgotten. And what scares me is that they may never be forgotten and then ultimately, I will not be able to be friends with these people again. Which brings me to my next question. Can people who have dated be friends again? Okay, common as it may be, I can assure you that you don't have the answer. No one has the answer. Of course it's situational. But this naked element has some ground to it. I don't personally enjoy standing next to the bimmah at Chabad and seeing someone naked. Or two people naked. Or three. And so on. (It wasn't actually that many. I'm just making a point). But as long as I go to this university, the nakedness will, too.
Tonight in class, my teacher informed my class that he has been teaching for fifty years. This is his fiftieth year teaching. Whoa. Seriously, whoa. He said a few interesting things in the three hour class that I thought I would share. First, he touched on the question, "What does it mean to meet somebody?" That's a really good question. What does it mean? I think it is an opportunity that resembles a clean slate - you are about to present yourself without any past baggage. You will present yourself in the light that you want this person to see you in. You will hide your major faults and highlight your best attributes. But most importantly, when you meet someone, you are establishing a relationship. A relationship is the fundamental premise of what life is all about. Our relationships with one another, our relationships with ourselves, our relationships with G-d (if we feel we have one). So with this being said, a simple "meet and greet" whether it be a student introducing his or herself to a teacher after class or a sorority president meeting a potential new member, that "Hi! I'm ______!" is setting off a spark that initiates a new relationship.
Dr. Fine also mentioned that we should be active listeners. In order to do this, he says we cannot sit back in our chairs and simply nod in agreement. Instead, we must approach life in the "ready position". Now for those of you, like myself, who grew up playing baseball or softball, you know what the ready position is. I remember how silly I thought this was. There I would be, playing right field (the place where balls never go) and see the worst player on the other team up at bat. Obviously she wasn't going to hit the ball hundreds of feet away into my glove. So why did it matter that I was down with my legs bent, glove out in front of me, and eyes glued to home plate? I never understood this until tonight. When you approach life in the ready position, you are ready. Wow, what a concept. Well, I can assure you that being "ready" for something you presume will not come is actually a very difficult task.
I ended my day in an interesting way. I found out Dr. Fine grew up down the street from my Mom in Dorchester. I volunteered, in front of the entire class, to do my 20 minute presentation first. I found out one of my close friends converted to Islam. I sensed irreversible distance from my best friends. And I felt the naked feeling, which led to the uncomfortable feeling, then to the "I need to leave this room or I'm going to be sick" feeling.
Life is like a game of softball. That silly right fielder has no idea what's coming her way. I never knew. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I made educated guesses based on if the batter was a righty or a lefty, but I didn't know anything for sure. That's why we must be ready and we must figure out ways to handle all of these feelings, naked and all, because learning to live through extreme ups and downs can only make us stronger.
I've become more religious; I'm not sure if you've noticed or not. Everyone in Israel warned me about how difficult the transition back to the US would be. I knew it would be difficult. First, dealing with my parents. Second, dealing with my friends. The first wasn't anything like I expected. My Mom and Dad were warm and welcoming. My Dad was proud of me. He really said that. So, check mark in that big box. Next comes Arizona. Everything started out fine. I even kashered my dishes yesterday. I put a mazuzah on my wall, have set up dates to learn Torah, and have become more connected to the Jewish community throughout the valley. Okay, so... check? Not so much. I thought these would be the difficult parts. I thought keeping shabbat would be borderline impossible and keeping kosher would be impossible. I thought not touching boys would be tough. I thought praying would be hard and that small things, like that bathroom prayer, would go unnoticed until I had my own home. But nope, wrong again. These things have all been so easy and I feel great about them every day.
The difficulty that has been looming over me since I arrived is simple, yet complex. It's my friends. Maybe some of you will read this. The issues range across multiple realms but I know that I need to distance myself from some people who I am close with and I need to bring myself closer to those who I barely know. I have to. You might not understand this, but I will break if I don't, and I am very happy with who I have become. I have no intention of turning back.
With a few close friends, I have noticed that our entire relationship revolves around talking about other people. Of course we are close friends for many reasons, not solely this, but this activity that we take part in on an almost daily basis has set a tone for our relationship. It's strange. It's not what I'm used to anymore. And I don't know how to respond. I'm scared to stop calling and I'm scared to not be close friends anymore. I just don't want to take part in it but it's all too hard to tell you.
It's also strange when you see someone naked. Okay, I know, this is a crazy, somewhat grotesque thing to talk about, especially in a public blog. But it's a fact for the majority of secular college students, and as a former secular student, I definitely have seen my share of nakedness. It's strange though how these physical experiences cannot be forgotten. And what scares me is that they may never be forgotten and then ultimately, I will not be able to be friends with these people again. Which brings me to my next question. Can people who have dated be friends again? Okay, common as it may be, I can assure you that you don't have the answer. No one has the answer. Of course it's situational. But this naked element has some ground to it. I don't personally enjoy standing next to the bimmah at Chabad and seeing someone naked. Or two people naked. Or three. And so on. (It wasn't actually that many. I'm just making a point). But as long as I go to this university, the nakedness will, too.
Tonight in class, my teacher informed my class that he has been teaching for fifty years. This is his fiftieth year teaching. Whoa. Seriously, whoa. He said a few interesting things in the three hour class that I thought I would share. First, he touched on the question, "What does it mean to meet somebody?" That's a really good question. What does it mean? I think it is an opportunity that resembles a clean slate - you are about to present yourself without any past baggage. You will present yourself in the light that you want this person to see you in. You will hide your major faults and highlight your best attributes. But most importantly, when you meet someone, you are establishing a relationship. A relationship is the fundamental premise of what life is all about. Our relationships with one another, our relationships with ourselves, our relationships with G-d (if we feel we have one). So with this being said, a simple "meet and greet" whether it be a student introducing his or herself to a teacher after class or a sorority president meeting a potential new member, that "Hi! I'm ______!" is setting off a spark that initiates a new relationship.
Dr. Fine also mentioned that we should be active listeners. In order to do this, he says we cannot sit back in our chairs and simply nod in agreement. Instead, we must approach life in the "ready position". Now for those of you, like myself, who grew up playing baseball or softball, you know what the ready position is. I remember how silly I thought this was. There I would be, playing right field (the place where balls never go) and see the worst player on the other team up at bat. Obviously she wasn't going to hit the ball hundreds of feet away into my glove. So why did it matter that I was down with my legs bent, glove out in front of me, and eyes glued to home plate? I never understood this until tonight. When you approach life in the ready position, you are ready. Wow, what a concept. Well, I can assure you that being "ready" for something you presume will not come is actually a very difficult task.
I ended my day in an interesting way. I found out Dr. Fine grew up down the street from my Mom in Dorchester. I volunteered, in front of the entire class, to do my 20 minute presentation first. I found out one of my close friends converted to Islam. I sensed irreversible distance from my best friends. And I felt the naked feeling, which led to the uncomfortable feeling, then to the "I need to leave this room or I'm going to be sick" feeling.
Life is like a game of softball. That silly right fielder has no idea what's coming her way. I never knew. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I made educated guesses based on if the batter was a righty or a lefty, but I didn't know anything for sure. That's why we must be ready and we must figure out ways to handle all of these feelings, naked and all, because learning to live through extreme ups and downs can only make us stronger.
It all started with Adam.
I was laying in bed last night and I realized how much I missed writing. I always think about creative things to say and continually find myself in tangents about unique titles for events in my life that I could potentially write about. So here I am. I will try to keep up with this, even if it is just for myself as an outlet of thought during this tumultuous last semester in college.
So the first thought I had last night of a unique title was "It all started with Adam". It was a funny metaphor that represents both Judaism on the forefront and the beginning of freshmen year underneath. If our lives are remotely modeled around the relationships we find ourselves in, then this title suits mine quite well.
Adam was the epitome of the walk of shame. I remember the feelings associated with him and the experiences surrounding the first part of my first year in the 60,000 person bubble. And then I remember the feelings associated with another him and another him and another him (and so on) for the duration of the past three years. In some ways it is humorous to look back on the route I chose for myself, one I hardly find unique to any college student living in this pseudo-life. I found myself, lost myself, and found myself over and over again as time elapsed. Adam fell to the back burner and I came forward to face college, life, and myself for the first time.
It's crazy but I feel like right now, for the first time in my life, I feel so alive.
So the first thought I had last night of a unique title was "It all started with Adam". It was a funny metaphor that represents both Judaism on the forefront and the beginning of freshmen year underneath. If our lives are remotely modeled around the relationships we find ourselves in, then this title suits mine quite well.
Adam was the epitome of the walk of shame. I remember the feelings associated with him and the experiences surrounding the first part of my first year in the 60,000 person bubble. And then I remember the feelings associated with another him and another him and another him (and so on) for the duration of the past three years. In some ways it is humorous to look back on the route I chose for myself, one I hardly find unique to any college student living in this pseudo-life. I found myself, lost myself, and found myself over and over again as time elapsed. Adam fell to the back burner and I came forward to face college, life, and myself for the first time.
It's crazy but I feel like right now, for the first time in my life, I feel so alive.
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