I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I was stuck in that "in between" phase for much too long. People called me and I picked up, only to wake up this morning barely remembering the conversations. I thought and thought and thought about everything my mind could reach out to, hoping for some clarity. Nope, no luck.
I've become more religious; I'm not sure if you've noticed or not. Everyone in Israel warned me about how difficult the transition back to the US would be. I knew it would be difficult. First, dealing with my parents. Second, dealing with my friends. The first wasn't anything like I expected. My Mom and Dad were warm and welcoming. My Dad was proud of me. He really said that. So, check mark in that big box. Next comes Arizona. Everything started out fine. I even kashered my dishes yesterday. I put a mazuzah on my wall, have set up dates to learn Torah, and have become more connected to the Jewish community throughout the valley. Okay, so... check? Not so much. I thought these would be the difficult parts. I thought keeping shabbat would be borderline impossible and keeping kosher would be impossible. I thought not touching boys would be tough. I thought praying would be hard and that small things, like that bathroom prayer, would go unnoticed until I had my own home. But nope, wrong again. These things have all been so easy and I feel great about them every day.
The difficulty that has been looming over me since I arrived is simple, yet complex. It's my friends. Maybe some of you will read this. The issues range across multiple realms but I know that I need to distance myself from some people who I am close with and I need to bring myself closer to those who I barely know. I have to. You might not understand this, but I will break if I don't, and I am very happy with who I have become. I have no intention of turning back.
With a few close friends, I have noticed that our entire relationship revolves around talking about other people. Of course we are close friends for many reasons, not solely this, but this activity that we take part in on an almost daily basis has set a tone for our relationship. It's strange. It's not what I'm used to anymore. And I don't know how to respond. I'm scared to stop calling and I'm scared to not be close friends anymore. I just don't want to take part in it but it's all too hard to tell you.
It's also strange when you see someone naked. Okay, I know, this is a crazy, somewhat grotesque thing to talk about, especially in a public blog. But it's a fact for the majority of secular college students, and as a former secular student, I definitely have seen my share of nakedness. It's strange though how these physical experiences cannot be forgotten. And what scares me is that they may never be forgotten and then ultimately, I will not be able to be friends with these people again. Which brings me to my next question. Can people who have dated be friends again? Okay, common as it may be, I can assure you that you don't have the answer. No one has the answer. Of course it's situational. But this naked element has some ground to it. I don't personally enjoy standing next to the bimmah at Chabad and seeing someone naked. Or two people naked. Or three. And so on. (It wasn't actually that many. I'm just making a point). But as long as I go to this university, the nakedness will, too.
Tonight in class, my teacher informed my class that he has been teaching for fifty years. This is his fiftieth year teaching. Whoa. Seriously, whoa. He said a few interesting things in the three hour class that I thought I would share. First, he touched on the question, "What does it mean to meet somebody?" That's a really good question. What does it mean? I think it is an opportunity that resembles a clean slate - you are about to present yourself without any past baggage. You will present yourself in the light that you want this person to see you in. You will hide your major faults and highlight your best attributes. But most importantly, when you meet someone, you are establishing a relationship. A relationship is the fundamental premise of what life is all about. Our relationships with one another, our relationships with ourselves, our relationships with G-d (if we feel we have one). So with this being said, a simple "meet and greet" whether it be a student introducing his or herself to a teacher after class or a sorority president meeting a potential new member, that "Hi! I'm ______!" is setting off a spark that initiates a new relationship.
Dr. Fine also mentioned that we should be active listeners. In order to do this, he says we cannot sit back in our chairs and simply nod in agreement. Instead, we must approach life in the "ready position". Now for those of you, like myself, who grew up playing baseball or softball, you know what the ready position is. I remember how silly I thought this was. There I would be, playing right field (the place where balls never go) and see the worst player on the other team up at bat. Obviously she wasn't going to hit the ball hundreds of feet away into my glove. So why did it matter that I was down with my legs bent, glove out in front of me, and eyes glued to home plate? I never understood this until tonight. When you approach life in the ready position, you are ready. Wow, what a concept. Well, I can assure you that being "ready" for something you presume will not come is actually a very difficult task.
I ended my day in an interesting way. I found out Dr. Fine grew up down the street from my Mom in Dorchester. I volunteered, in front of the entire class, to do my 20 minute presentation first. I found out one of my close friends converted to Islam. I sensed irreversible distance from my best friends. And I felt the naked feeling, which led to the uncomfortable feeling, then to the "I need to leave this room or I'm going to be sick" feeling.
Life is like a game of softball. That silly right fielder has no idea what's coming her way. I never knew. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I made educated guesses based on if the batter was a righty or a lefty, but I didn't know anything for sure. That's why we must be ready and we must figure out ways to handle all of these feelings, naked and all, because learning to live through extreme ups and downs can only make us stronger.
