Limbo

Balancing the physical and spiritual worlds is a task I've yet to master. I think I'm good at understanding the physical world but when the spiritual kicks in, I completely veer off the paved road. It's confusing when you feel a certain way, think a certain way, and act a certain way, and then realize that you're entirely wrong. And then you ask, wrong by what standards? Who's to say you're ever actually wrong? The only way to understand this is if you believe in G-d. Then G-d is to say if you're actually wrong and you have to follow the guidance of the Torah. This is so much easier to type than to understand, and more importantly, apply to life.

I believe a lot in longitudinal studies. After seeing a psychologist for many years, I realized that it was the most valuable tool to stabilizing your life. Therapy, over long periods of time with one therapist, is so effective. An outside source, not a best friend, boyfriend, or family member, is able to track your life for a given amount of time, and advise you based on your past.

This week I realized I have such a strong connection with a few religious leaders who have been close to me for years. I realized that numerous times over the last few tumultuous days, but I can pinpoint it on the moment one rabbi told me he loved me. It was in a pure, fatherly way and expressed how much he cared. I realized that I take advice from these figures every day of my life and have really begun to live my life according to the Torah and the words of which these men and women guide me. I'm so thankful for this week though. I'm thankful for the way I handled myself and my confusion and I am thankful for the way everyone close to me handled my immediate lack of faith. I feel as if I have come around to understand why things work the way they do and eventually, I know I will grow to accept them and smoothly move forward.

I feel uneasy but it's okay. Feelings and emotions are so beyond normal that I've realized this, like all feelings, will pass. I had an incredible weekend with incredible people. I learned a lot, laughed a lot, and most importantly, slept a lot. I felt good and fresh and ready for what's in store for me again. It's a nice feeling, this revitalization and all. Shabbat will do that to you :)

Happiness

I think happiness is an uncontrollable feeling. When I'm truly happy, I can't stop smiling. Literally. I just can't do it. I've felt that way so many times over the last few days. Being sincerely happy is so rewarding and feels better than any feeling I have ever experienced. I know life isn't about being happy all the time, but having the ability to see, feel, and experience happiness in all situations is quite remarkable. Luckily, life's been treating me well lately.

Today was the first day of Sunday school at CBI and I couldn't be happier. My kids are incredible. They make me laugh so much and I absolutely love when they reiterate what they are learning to both me and their parents. I think it's this fulfilling because I am so passionate about what I am teaching them. It's probably that way for most things in life. The best classes in school are typically those we are most passionate about. We have the best times with people we are most passionate about. Surrounding ourselves with positivity is probably the best route to happiness.

When I went to lunch today with my friends, I realized how good I felt for about the tenth time today. I looked around the new Kosher spot in town and I realized how nice it was to hear Hebrew all around me and see Kippahs with smiles below them throughout the room. The first time I zoned into a Hebrew conversation, I grabbed Jen's arm with excitement. I realized how nice it felt to listen to the language I love. And then it felt even better to think back to an hour before and realize I just taught children their first Hebrew lesson ever. That's crazy! I don't remember my first Hebrew lesson. But for these third graders, today was a huge step in their Jewish lives. Hebrew becomes a part of Jews and whether you excel or are a little slower than others, it is the language of our people and we must learn it. I honestly didn't think of how monumental this day was for my kids until just now. I hope they remember this third grade year some day when they are sitting in shul and realizing how much they know. I was also super proud to teach them their first word: Shabbat - but in Hebrew of course.

I killed a scorpian.

Really, I did. My first time ever. They have strange curly long tails, too. For someone who doesn't like bugs, this one topped the list. Thankfully, Nicole guided me through the murderous act and I am assuming it was a success. I am too scared to remove the Harry Potter book to see what's underneath though. I'll just continue assuming.

What a day though. Seriously, I have a few days off from school work and it feels like such a blessing. I worked so hard the past few days and I'm really proud of my accomplishments. I think I did a stellar presentation today in my family class. I honestly don't care that much about what I get for a grade either. I really stood up for my beliefs and I expressed them aloud to my entire sixty person class. I'm usually not so confident to speak publicly about Judaism and what religion means to me, but today, I think I handled myself very well. I also received many compliments following the presentation from individuals sitting around me... and it's funny but hearing positive things from my peers felt really good.

I think the next few days are going to be a lot of fun. Tomorrow I'm working a double (so money!! Finally!) and going to Coffee Bean to plan my Sunday School curriculum for the afternoon. Then hopefully seeing David at night. Then Friday, doing TA work in the morning, then going to help cook for Shabbat, and then more Sunday School stuff with Nicole. Then Shabbat, probably split between JAC and Chabad. Then out Saturday night to a bar somewhere, since I just can now. Then the first day of Sunday School. I can't wait. I miss my social life so much!

I printed up a bunch of pictures the other day at Walmart. I want to put them up in my bedroom but I'm not sure how I should arrange them. But I really want them up now. I want to see my friends all around me. I'm too tired though. I haven't been sleeping well because my mind has been all over the place. I keep having nightmares about nuclear bomb attacks. I know that's really weird. Reading the news is scary though. I hope the world is able to settle down. Anger and aggression don't solve anything.

Balance

Finding an equilibrium in life is a difficult challenge. In Judaism, balance is the ideal state. To my understanding, extremes are looked down upon and striving to remain emotionally level headed should be a priority.

I think the most difficult thing to balance is my social life with my school life (and why not, work life as well). Sacrifices are hard and hurting people is harder. My feelings toward others, especially my best friends and family, come far before my school work or job. They come before my thesis, before being a TA, before being a Sunday school teacher. They come before waitressing and exercising and extracurriculars (the few that still exist). My friends and family don't come before myself, but sometimes, they tend to sneak their way into the limelight. So then I ask myself, continually, how to balance who I love with the rest of my life. I don't know how I do it but it's draining. It makes me want to run away and go home and lay in my bed away from the world.

I read an article on aish.com yesterday while researching for my "family" presentation that is due tomorrow. The article brought tears to my eyes. It was about a woman's path of becoming more religious and how her relationship with her parents blossomed along the way. She spoke of moving back home, to be with her parents, and I realized that's actually not that bad of an idea. As humans, we are always trying to be individuals. We try to show off, be the best, stand out in the crowd. We travel, explore, and research until we have no energy to spare. I personally reach out to every possible outlet of experience I can put my hands on. But what's wrong with the experience right before our eyes? Our close friends. Our families. Our home.

I remember coming to Arizona and I felt this urgent need for change. I needed to run away. I needed to see the rest of the world. I don't regret this at all because the most important lesson I have learned through my experiences over the past three years is how much closer I want and need to be to the people who matter most. I need to feel the intimacy of home once again.

Now, I'm sitting here, bogged down in school work, thinking about the future. Will I go to Israel in January? I wonder. I know it's best but I am craving home like never before.

Last night I spent a couple hours with good friends. Really good friends. Like Nicole said, we hadn't laughed like that in a really long time. Laughter cures everything, at least temporarily. I didn't think about my homework while we were together and I didn't think about everything else that was stressing me. I think that's what friends are for.

I worked today and made basically no money. But that's okay. "Basically no money" just means $12/hour. I know, I should shut up now. Aside for this, I had a great day. I missed the busy environment of waitressing. I almost enjoyed wearing pants as well. Sneakers, a long sleeve shirt, and a tie? Not as much. But it was fun and I'm excited to have a little bit of money coming in. I have no idea how I will have time to do any of this though... we will just have to see what happens.

Time to write my paper on the family. Maybe I'll put it on here when it's done. I mean, it's only 20 minutes long...