Balancing the physical and spiritual worlds is a task I've yet to master. I think I'm good at understanding the physical world but when the spiritual kicks in, I completely veer off the paved road. It's confusing when you feel a certain way, think a certain way, and act a certain way, and then realize that you're entirely wrong. And then you ask, wrong by what standards? Who's to say you're ever actually wrong? The only way to understand this is if you believe in G-d. Then G-d is to say if you're actually wrong and you have to follow the guidance of the Torah. This is so much easier to type than to understand, and more importantly, apply to life.
I believe a lot in longitudinal studies. After seeing a psychologist for many years, I realized that it was the most valuable tool to stabilizing your life. Therapy, over long periods of time with one therapist, is so effective. An outside source, not a best friend, boyfriend, or family member, is able to track your life for a given amount of time, and advise you based on your past.
This week I realized I have such a strong connection with a few religious leaders who have been close to me for years. I realized that numerous times over the last few tumultuous days, but I can pinpoint it on the moment one rabbi told me he loved me. It was in a pure, fatherly way and expressed how much he cared. I realized that I take advice from these figures every day of my life and have really begun to live my life according to the Torah and the words of which these men and women guide me. I'm so thankful for this week though. I'm thankful for the way I handled myself and my confusion and I am thankful for the way everyone close to me handled my immediate lack of faith. I feel as if I have come around to understand why things work the way they do and eventually, I know I will grow to accept them and smoothly move forward.
I feel uneasy but it's okay. Feelings and emotions are so beyond normal that I've realized this, like all feelings, will pass. I had an incredible weekend with incredible people. I learned a lot, laughed a lot, and most importantly, slept a lot. I felt good and fresh and ready for what's in store for me again. It's a nice feeling, this revitalization and all. Shabbat will do that to you :)
