Finding an equilibrium in life is a difficult challenge. In Judaism, balance is the ideal state. To my understanding, extremes are looked down upon and striving to remain emotionally level headed should be a priority.
I think the most difficult thing to balance is my social life with my school life (and why not, work life as well). Sacrifices are hard and hurting people is harder. My feelings toward others, especially my best friends and family, come far before my school work or job. They come before my thesis, before being a TA, before being a Sunday school teacher. They come before waitressing and exercising and extracurriculars (the few that still exist). My friends and family don't come before myself, but sometimes, they tend to sneak their way into the limelight. So then I ask myself, continually, how to balance who I love with the rest of my life. I don't know how I do it but it's draining. It makes me want to run away and go home and lay in my bed away from the world.
I read an article on aish.com yesterday while researching for my "family" presentation that is due tomorrow. The article brought tears to my eyes. It was about a woman's path of becoming more religious and how her relationship with her parents blossomed along the way. She spoke of moving back home, to be with her parents, and I realized that's actually not that bad of an idea. As humans, we are always trying to be individuals. We try to show off, be the best, stand out in the crowd. We travel, explore, and research until we have no energy to spare. I personally reach out to every possible outlet of experience I can put my hands on. But what's wrong with the experience right before our eyes? Our close friends. Our families. Our home.
I remember coming to Arizona and I felt this urgent need for change. I needed to run away. I needed to see the rest of the world. I don't regret this at all because the most important lesson I have learned through my experiences over the past three years is how much closer I want and need to be to the people who matter most. I need to feel the intimacy of home once again.
Now, I'm sitting here, bogged down in school work, thinking about the future. Will I go to Israel in January? I wonder. I know it's best but I am craving home like never before.
Last night I spent a couple hours with good friends. Really good friends. Like Nicole said, we hadn't laughed like that in a really long time. Laughter cures everything, at least temporarily. I didn't think about my homework while we were together and I didn't think about everything else that was stressing me. I think that's what friends are for.
I worked today and made basically no money. But that's okay. "Basically no money" just means $12/hour. I know, I should shut up now. Aside for this, I had a great day. I missed the busy environment of waitressing. I almost enjoyed wearing pants as well. Sneakers, a long sleeve shirt, and a tie? Not as much. But it was fun and I'm excited to have a little bit of money coming in. I have no idea how I will have time to do any of this though... we will just have to see what happens.
Time to write my paper on the family. Maybe I'll put it on here when it's done. I mean, it's only 20 minutes long...
