The days of school vacation are quickly coming to an end. This week was a little out of the norm though and I think it's necessary to reflect on the course of events.
- I had my first meaningful Shabbat in a long time
- I spent time with numerous old friends from Aish
- I spent a weekend with my cousin and close friend
- I sprained my ankle and faced a test in which I had to decide if I should pick up the phone on Shabbat and decided against it
- Two boys attempted to kiss me
- I dressed tsniusly, without any exceptions
- I purchased a new chumash
- The Mumbai attacks took place and many Jews were murdered
- A good friend's grandfather passed away and I attended the funeral
- I went to my grandmother's unveiling at a cemetery
- I baked challah
- I got psychoanalyzed, twice
- I cried
- I spent Shabbat with two rabbis who have significantly affected my life
- A good friend's baby was born and named
- My Rabbi and his wife had a new baby
With the course of these events, I began to realize that every time I step foot out my door, I must question the role I will play. First, I am continually finding myself questioning if I am about to be an adult or a child. This is a major characteristic of emerging adulthood and it has its pros and cons. When I left my house for the unveiling on Sunday, I was a child. I was driving myself to the cemetery but as soon as I arrived, I took on the role of the baby in the group. I wasn't leading, I was just standing there, following the crowd. But then I went to a funeral. I drove myself, parked on my own, and entered the funeral home with no one at my side. I stood there alone in the back and cried to myself while I listened attentively to the words spoken about this great man. They told stories of his days in the Holocaust and how he lost his entire family before being able to come to America to create the one before me. I wept and soon left before it ended because I knew I had to get back to my own family. I felt like a complete adult at that point though.
I experienced the ending of life and the beginning of life a lot this week. Whether it touched me personally with my own grandmother or I watched the newscaster repeat the stories of Mumbai over and over again, death surrounded me. Up until a couple of years ago, I had never known anybody who had died. I then attended my father's mother's funeral and was left in utter confusion. Next was my mother's mother just a year ago. During the time of this second funeral, I decided to take a course on bereavement called Death & Dying at ASU. I loved it and learned a lot about the process in which humans come to terms with the ending of one's life. For part of this class, I had to visit a funeral home and I decided to go to a Jewish one to try to make more sense of the few episodes of death I had since been exposed to. It helped and it is strange, but I feel like I am okay dealing with it now. I'm sure it has a lot to do with coming closer to Judaism and understanding the process in its entirety.
It is surprising to me how I experienced life this vacation as well. Two births in about two weeks. It's beautiful to see people close to me bring new lives into this world. I remember crying at Jason's grandfather's funeral and I also remember crying when I first saw pictures of Rachael's new baby boy.
Life feels very real this week. Life is definitely precious. I watch so many people in my life act so carelessly. Drinking, smoking, gambling, having random sexual encounters. It is all around me. It's difficult to comprehend how people care so little about themselves and the world around them that they feel it is acceptable to lessen their lives through acts such as these.
Ah, so it goes. Three more classes left, then college is over.
Monday, December 1
Saturday, November 1
So climatic.
I know who I am.
It's a good feeling, too. For the past month, I have had absolutely no idea of how I fit into the reality that I somehow found myself in. I do now though.
I'm graduating college in a little less than 50 days (46 to be specific) and it's great. I passed my thesis defense on Friday. I was sick on Thursday. I drank myself silly on Wednesday. I guess you could say this wasn't a typical week in college, yet still climatic in more ways than one. The events that panned out were stressful, exciting, educational, and experimental. I don't know if those are the best adjectives but they are the first four that come to my mind. I took many chances, lived on the edge, and acted extremely immature while realizing something very mature. I think the battle between immaturity and maturity is a constant event lately. I want to be stupid and I want to be smart. I know how to make the right decisions but I definitely know how to stray from the righteous path. I feel like I found an interesting trail this week that I want to follow but I'm not sure how to do so. I also don't want a ridiculous bout of immaturity to shed on what matters.
That probably made no sense.
I'm curious what initiates an emotional attachment to something or someone. Is it the first time you meet? Honestly, that's probably the right answer. Maybe it's the first time you touch. But you can be emotionally attached to people you have never touched. Well, maybe you can't be. I'm not sure. I want to understand this. This week I realized how great physical touch is and how harmful it can be. It is entirely distracting from everything else. I don't understand this and I want to. I think that's it for now.
It's a good feeling, too. For the past month, I have had absolutely no idea of how I fit into the reality that I somehow found myself in. I do now though.
I'm graduating college in a little less than 50 days (46 to be specific) and it's great. I passed my thesis defense on Friday. I was sick on Thursday. I drank myself silly on Wednesday. I guess you could say this wasn't a typical week in college, yet still climatic in more ways than one. The events that panned out were stressful, exciting, educational, and experimental. I don't know if those are the best adjectives but they are the first four that come to my mind. I took many chances, lived on the edge, and acted extremely immature while realizing something very mature. I think the battle between immaturity and maturity is a constant event lately. I want to be stupid and I want to be smart. I know how to make the right decisions but I definitely know how to stray from the righteous path. I feel like I found an interesting trail this week that I want to follow but I'm not sure how to do so. I also don't want a ridiculous bout of immaturity to shed on what matters.
That probably made no sense.
I'm curious what initiates an emotional attachment to something or someone. Is it the first time you meet? Honestly, that's probably the right answer. Maybe it's the first time you touch. But you can be emotionally attached to people you have never touched. Well, maybe you can't be. I'm not sure. I want to understand this. This week I realized how great physical touch is and how harmful it can be. It is entirely distracting from everything else. I don't understand this and I want to. I think that's it for now.
Saturday, September 13
Limbo
Balancing the physical and spiritual worlds is a task I've yet to master. I think I'm good at understanding the physical world but when the spiritual kicks in, I completely veer off the paved road. It's confusing when you feel a certain way, think a certain way, and act a certain way, and then realize that you're entirely wrong. And then you ask, wrong by what standards? Who's to say you're ever actually wrong? The only way to understand this is if you believe in G-d. Then G-d is to say if you're actually wrong and you have to follow the guidance of the Torah. This is so much easier to type than to understand, and more importantly, apply to life.
I believe a lot in longitudinal studies. After seeing a psychologist for many years, I realized that it was the most valuable tool to stabilizing your life. Therapy, over long periods of time with one therapist, is so effective. An outside source, not a best friend, boyfriend, or family member, is able to track your life for a given amount of time, and advise you based on your past.
This week I realized I have such a strong connection with a few religious leaders who have been close to me for years. I realized that numerous times over the last few tumultuous days, but I can pinpoint it on the moment one rabbi told me he loved me. It was in a pure, fatherly way and expressed how much he cared. I realized that I take advice from these figures every day of my life and have really begun to live my life according to the Torah and the words of which these men and women guide me. I'm so thankful for this week though. I'm thankful for the way I handled myself and my confusion and I am thankful for the way everyone close to me handled my immediate lack of faith. I feel as if I have come around to understand why things work the way they do and eventually, I know I will grow to accept them and smoothly move forward.
I feel uneasy but it's okay. Feelings and emotions are so beyond normal that I've realized this, like all feelings, will pass. I had an incredible weekend with incredible people. I learned a lot, laughed a lot, and most importantly, slept a lot. I felt good and fresh and ready for what's in store for me again. It's a nice feeling, this revitalization and all. Shabbat will do that to you :)
I believe a lot in longitudinal studies. After seeing a psychologist for many years, I realized that it was the most valuable tool to stabilizing your life. Therapy, over long periods of time with one therapist, is so effective. An outside source, not a best friend, boyfriend, or family member, is able to track your life for a given amount of time, and advise you based on your past.
This week I realized I have such a strong connection with a few religious leaders who have been close to me for years. I realized that numerous times over the last few tumultuous days, but I can pinpoint it on the moment one rabbi told me he loved me. It was in a pure, fatherly way and expressed how much he cared. I realized that I take advice from these figures every day of my life and have really begun to live my life according to the Torah and the words of which these men and women guide me. I'm so thankful for this week though. I'm thankful for the way I handled myself and my confusion and I am thankful for the way everyone close to me handled my immediate lack of faith. I feel as if I have come around to understand why things work the way they do and eventually, I know I will grow to accept them and smoothly move forward.
I feel uneasy but it's okay. Feelings and emotions are so beyond normal that I've realized this, like all feelings, will pass. I had an incredible weekend with incredible people. I learned a lot, laughed a lot, and most importantly, slept a lot. I felt good and fresh and ready for what's in store for me again. It's a nice feeling, this revitalization and all. Shabbat will do that to you :)
Sunday, September 7
Happiness
I think happiness is an uncontrollable feeling. When I'm truly happy, I can't stop smiling. Literally. I just can't do it. I've felt that way so many times over the last few days. Being sincerely happy is so rewarding and feels better than any feeling I have ever experienced. I know life isn't about being happy all the time, but having the ability to see, feel, and experience happiness in all situations is quite remarkable. Luckily, life's been treating me well lately.
Today was the first day of Sunday school at CBI and I couldn't be happier. My kids are incredible. They make me laugh so much and I absolutely love when they reiterate what they are learning to both me and their parents. I think it's this fulfilling because I am so passionate about what I am teaching them. It's probably that way for most things in life. The best classes in school are typically those we are most passionate about. We have the best times with people we are most passionate about. Surrounding ourselves with positivity is probably the best route to happiness.
When I went to lunch today with my friends, I realized how good I felt for about the tenth time today. I looked around the new Kosher spot in town and I realized how nice it was to hear Hebrew all around me and see Kippahs with smiles below them throughout the room. The first time I zoned into a Hebrew conversation, I grabbed Jen's arm with excitement. I realized how nice it felt to listen to the language I love. And then it felt even better to think back to an hour before and realize I just taught children their first Hebrew lesson ever. That's crazy! I don't remember my first Hebrew lesson. But for these third graders, today was a huge step in their Jewish lives. Hebrew becomes a part of Jews and whether you excel or are a little slower than others, it is the language of our people and we must learn it. I honestly didn't think of how monumental this day was for my kids until just now. I hope they remember this third grade year some day when they are sitting in shul and realizing how much they know. I was also super proud to teach them their first word: Shabbat - but in Hebrew of course.
Today was the first day of Sunday school at CBI and I couldn't be happier. My kids are incredible. They make me laugh so much and I absolutely love when they reiterate what they are learning to both me and their parents. I think it's this fulfilling because I am so passionate about what I am teaching them. It's probably that way for most things in life. The best classes in school are typically those we are most passionate about. We have the best times with people we are most passionate about. Surrounding ourselves with positivity is probably the best route to happiness.
When I went to lunch today with my friends, I realized how good I felt for about the tenth time today. I looked around the new Kosher spot in town and I realized how nice it was to hear Hebrew all around me and see Kippahs with smiles below them throughout the room. The first time I zoned into a Hebrew conversation, I grabbed Jen's arm with excitement. I realized how nice it felt to listen to the language I love. And then it felt even better to think back to an hour before and realize I just taught children their first Hebrew lesson ever. That's crazy! I don't remember my first Hebrew lesson. But for these third graders, today was a huge step in their Jewish lives. Hebrew becomes a part of Jews and whether you excel or are a little slower than others, it is the language of our people and we must learn it. I honestly didn't think of how monumental this day was for my kids until just now. I hope they remember this third grade year some day when they are sitting in shul and realizing how much they know. I was also super proud to teach them their first word: Shabbat - but in Hebrew of course.
Thursday, September 4
I killed a scorpian.
Really, I did. My first time ever. They have strange curly long tails, too. For someone who doesn't like bugs, this one topped the list. Thankfully, Nicole guided me through the murderous act and I am assuming it was a success. I am too scared to remove the Harry Potter book to see what's underneath though. I'll just continue assuming.
What a day though. Seriously, I have a few days off from school work and it feels like such a blessing. I worked so hard the past few days and I'm really proud of my accomplishments. I think I did a stellar presentation today in my family class. I honestly don't care that much about what I get for a grade either. I really stood up for my beliefs and I expressed them aloud to my entire sixty person class. I'm usually not so confident to speak publicly about Judaism and what religion means to me, but today, I think I handled myself very well. I also received many compliments following the presentation from individuals sitting around me... and it's funny but hearing positive things from my peers felt really good.
I think the next few days are going to be a lot of fun. Tomorrow I'm working a double (so money!! Finally!) and going to Coffee Bean to plan my Sunday School curriculum for the afternoon. Then hopefully seeing David at night. Then Friday, doing TA work in the morning, then going to help cook for Shabbat, and then more Sunday School stuff with Nicole. Then Shabbat, probably split between JAC and Chabad. Then out Saturday night to a bar somewhere, since I just can now. Then the first day of Sunday School. I can't wait. I miss my social life so much!
I printed up a bunch of pictures the other day at Walmart. I want to put them up in my bedroom but I'm not sure how I should arrange them. But I really want them up now. I want to see my friends all around me. I'm too tired though. I haven't been sleeping well because my mind has been all over the place. I keep having nightmares about nuclear bomb attacks. I know that's really weird. Reading the news is scary though. I hope the world is able to settle down. Anger and aggression don't solve anything.
What a day though. Seriously, I have a few days off from school work and it feels like such a blessing. I worked so hard the past few days and I'm really proud of my accomplishments. I think I did a stellar presentation today in my family class. I honestly don't care that much about what I get for a grade either. I really stood up for my beliefs and I expressed them aloud to my entire sixty person class. I'm usually not so confident to speak publicly about Judaism and what religion means to me, but today, I think I handled myself very well. I also received many compliments following the presentation from individuals sitting around me... and it's funny but hearing positive things from my peers felt really good.
I think the next few days are going to be a lot of fun. Tomorrow I'm working a double (so money!! Finally!) and going to Coffee Bean to plan my Sunday School curriculum for the afternoon. Then hopefully seeing David at night. Then Friday, doing TA work in the morning, then going to help cook for Shabbat, and then more Sunday School stuff with Nicole. Then Shabbat, probably split between JAC and Chabad. Then out Saturday night to a bar somewhere, since I just can now. Then the first day of Sunday School. I can't wait. I miss my social life so much!
I printed up a bunch of pictures the other day at Walmart. I want to put them up in my bedroom but I'm not sure how I should arrange them. But I really want them up now. I want to see my friends all around me. I'm too tired though. I haven't been sleeping well because my mind has been all over the place. I keep having nightmares about nuclear bomb attacks. I know that's really weird. Reading the news is scary though. I hope the world is able to settle down. Anger and aggression don't solve anything.
Tuesday, September 2
Balance
Finding an equilibrium in life is a difficult challenge. In Judaism, balance is the ideal state. To my understanding, extremes are looked down upon and striving to remain emotionally level headed should be a priority.
I think the most difficult thing to balance is my social life with my school life (and why not, work life as well). Sacrifices are hard and hurting people is harder. My feelings toward others, especially my best friends and family, come far before my school work or job. They come before my thesis, before being a TA, before being a Sunday school teacher. They come before waitressing and exercising and extracurriculars (the few that still exist). My friends and family don't come before myself, but sometimes, they tend to sneak their way into the limelight. So then I ask myself, continually, how to balance who I love with the rest of my life. I don't know how I do it but it's draining. It makes me want to run away and go home and lay in my bed away from the world.
I read an article on aish.com yesterday while researching for my "family" presentation that is due tomorrow. The article brought tears to my eyes. It was about a woman's path of becoming more religious and how her relationship with her parents blossomed along the way. She spoke of moving back home, to be with her parents, and I realized that's actually not that bad of an idea. As humans, we are always trying to be individuals. We try to show off, be the best, stand out in the crowd. We travel, explore, and research until we have no energy to spare. I personally reach out to every possible outlet of experience I can put my hands on. But what's wrong with the experience right before our eyes? Our close friends. Our families. Our home.
I remember coming to Arizona and I felt this urgent need for change. I needed to run away. I needed to see the rest of the world. I don't regret this at all because the most important lesson I have learned through my experiences over the past three years is how much closer I want and need to be to the people who matter most. I need to feel the intimacy of home once again.
Now, I'm sitting here, bogged down in school work, thinking about the future. Will I go to Israel in January? I wonder. I know it's best but I am craving home like never before.
Last night I spent a couple hours with good friends. Really good friends. Like Nicole said, we hadn't laughed like that in a really long time. Laughter cures everything, at least temporarily. I didn't think about my homework while we were together and I didn't think about everything else that was stressing me. I think that's what friends are for.
I worked today and made basically no money. But that's okay. "Basically no money" just means $12/hour. I know, I should shut up now. Aside for this, I had a great day. I missed the busy environment of waitressing. I almost enjoyed wearing pants as well. Sneakers, a long sleeve shirt, and a tie? Not as much. But it was fun and I'm excited to have a little bit of money coming in. I have no idea how I will have time to do any of this though... we will just have to see what happens.
Time to write my paper on the family. Maybe I'll put it on here when it's done. I mean, it's only 20 minutes long...
I think the most difficult thing to balance is my social life with my school life (and why not, work life as well). Sacrifices are hard and hurting people is harder. My feelings toward others, especially my best friends and family, come far before my school work or job. They come before my thesis, before being a TA, before being a Sunday school teacher. They come before waitressing and exercising and extracurriculars (the few that still exist). My friends and family don't come before myself, but sometimes, they tend to sneak their way into the limelight. So then I ask myself, continually, how to balance who I love with the rest of my life. I don't know how I do it but it's draining. It makes me want to run away and go home and lay in my bed away from the world.
I read an article on aish.com yesterday while researching for my "family" presentation that is due tomorrow. The article brought tears to my eyes. It was about a woman's path of becoming more religious and how her relationship with her parents blossomed along the way. She spoke of moving back home, to be with her parents, and I realized that's actually not that bad of an idea. As humans, we are always trying to be individuals. We try to show off, be the best, stand out in the crowd. We travel, explore, and research until we have no energy to spare. I personally reach out to every possible outlet of experience I can put my hands on. But what's wrong with the experience right before our eyes? Our close friends. Our families. Our home.
I remember coming to Arizona and I felt this urgent need for change. I needed to run away. I needed to see the rest of the world. I don't regret this at all because the most important lesson I have learned through my experiences over the past three years is how much closer I want and need to be to the people who matter most. I need to feel the intimacy of home once again.
Now, I'm sitting here, bogged down in school work, thinking about the future. Will I go to Israel in January? I wonder. I know it's best but I am craving home like never before.
Last night I spent a couple hours with good friends. Really good friends. Like Nicole said, we hadn't laughed like that in a really long time. Laughter cures everything, at least temporarily. I didn't think about my homework while we were together and I didn't think about everything else that was stressing me. I think that's what friends are for.
I worked today and made basically no money. But that's okay. "Basically no money" just means $12/hour. I know, I should shut up now. Aside for this, I had a great day. I missed the busy environment of waitressing. I almost enjoyed wearing pants as well. Sneakers, a long sleeve shirt, and a tie? Not as much. But it was fun and I'm excited to have a little bit of money coming in. I have no idea how I will have time to do any of this though... we will just have to see what happens.
Time to write my paper on the family. Maybe I'll put it on here when it's done. I mean, it's only 20 minutes long...
Sunday, August 31
To do
I need to make a list.
To do:
Complete section of thesis
Submit biology homework
Biology quiz
Readings for other biology class
20 minute written presentation on the family
I don't know anyone else who has this much school work after being in school for a total of six days. It's so annoying. I like work, but this is a bit much.
Anyways, the weekend was okay. For once, shabbat wasn't the big social spot on campus so I could somewhat enjoy it. Good company and good food. It's hard to complain about.
Between Friday's emotional explosion (pre-GRE, GRE, and post-GRE) I felt unbelievably lonely. The only person I really told was my Dad. I hid it from my best friends pretty well. I think they believed I was okay. I kind of broke down after a few minutes of services and left the room to drink water. I was dizzy and my head was pounding from crying so hard earlier. Soon, the feeling started to go away and I fell asleep next to Brooke on Suzy's couch and surprisingly, slept well throughout the night.
Friday night, Rabbi Yudi shed some light on me about his "happy" philosophy on life. It basically revolves around seeing the happiness in all situations. Immediately, I thought back to that afternoon, and the feeling that surrounded me after the test. I told him I couldn't understand how to see the happiness in that situation. But even though I told him that, I knew that I could. It's just not easy. Really hard, crappy things happen to people but seeing the happiness is a very difficult, but efficient, way of handling things.
I am really tired of staring at the computer but I know I have to for many more hours.
There are a lot of things that I want to do right now that don't involve school. I really want to plan my Sunday school curriculum for the year. That's going to take a full day. I also really wanted to go to the Grand Canyon today. I thought I would be able to focus there. I ended up sleeping in way too late today. Hopefully I make it there before the semester ends. It seems like a necessary place to visit before I leave Arizona.
To do:
Complete section of thesis
Submit biology homework
Biology quiz
Readings for other biology class
20 minute written presentation on the family
I don't know anyone else who has this much school work after being in school for a total of six days. It's so annoying. I like work, but this is a bit much.
Anyways, the weekend was okay. For once, shabbat wasn't the big social spot on campus so I could somewhat enjoy it. Good company and good food. It's hard to complain about.
Between Friday's emotional explosion (pre-GRE, GRE, and post-GRE) I felt unbelievably lonely. The only person I really told was my Dad. I hid it from my best friends pretty well. I think they believed I was okay. I kind of broke down after a few minutes of services and left the room to drink water. I was dizzy and my head was pounding from crying so hard earlier. Soon, the feeling started to go away and I fell asleep next to Brooke on Suzy's couch and surprisingly, slept well throughout the night.
Friday night, Rabbi Yudi shed some light on me about his "happy" philosophy on life. It basically revolves around seeing the happiness in all situations. Immediately, I thought back to that afternoon, and the feeling that surrounded me after the test. I told him I couldn't understand how to see the happiness in that situation. But even though I told him that, I knew that I could. It's just not easy. Really hard, crappy things happen to people but seeing the happiness is a very difficult, but efficient, way of handling things.
I am really tired of staring at the computer but I know I have to for many more hours.
There are a lot of things that I want to do right now that don't involve school. I really want to plan my Sunday school curriculum for the year. That's going to take a full day. I also really wanted to go to the Grand Canyon today. I thought I would be able to focus there. I ended up sleeping in way too late today. Hopefully I make it there before the semester ends. It seems like a necessary place to visit before I leave Arizona.
Thursday, August 28
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I am going to take a test that everybody says is important. Apparently, it can make or break a graduate school application. I didn't realize a sane person could judge another sane person on a bubble test until I was applying to colleges four years ago. It boggled my mind then and it boggles my mind now. At least now, as a relatively mature adult, I am aware that more people share my view, including the Princeton Review and numerous other 'test-cracking' companies. Phew, sigh of relief. Just kidding, I still have to take the test.
So apparently this test is four hours long. I'm not going to say that I haven't sat in one place for that long because I have numerous times in my life. I read the whole book that Princeton Review wrote on the test and I skimmed the vocab. Like they say, you really cannot increase your vocabulary in one night. Well, so much for studying the night before. I don't think my vocabulary is that bad. I'm sure I'll do average. Or so I hope.
I keep having this weird desire to take some kind of drug. It's been a long time since I've put anything illegal into my system, but what's illegal anyways? It's all relative. I just want to alter my mindset right now. I ate a big bowl of elbow noodles earlier; those were my favorite when I was little. It was probably about three servings. That's a lot of noodles. And then I ate a lot of Double Rainbow ice cream with hot fudge. And I skipped the bowl step and used the container to the mouth method, hot fudge included. After that, I still felt the need to alter my mind. I came online to see if anyone interesting was on. Not much luck. Then I skimmed the "writing" section of my book. Err, not much luck there either. I think I write just fine. Now I'm here, writing some random slew of thoughts that is most likely not going to aid me on my test, aid me in falling asleep, or aid me in calming my nerves. So, what's the best thing to do right now? I'm not sure. When I was younger, writing brought me clarity. I guess if it's keeping me from taking something I shouldn't be doing out, then it's not a bad alternative.
I took a mini test today for one of my ridiculous online science classes and I got a 7/10. The answers were not in the 2 pages of reading. I couldn't find them online. I asked friends and they didn't know either. It made no sense. Then Meghan took it next to me, got easier questions, and got a 10/10. Sometimes I wonder why things like this happen. I also wonder why I am being forced to take two absurd courses online that are in no way going to further my intelligence.
Sometimes I wonder if I could be a professor. I mean, I could be a professor, but I wonder if I should be. In class, my friend Alex suggested applying for the PhD program in Family & Human Development at ASU. We talked it out and came to the conclusion that both of us would have really strong applications and would most likely be accepted. That's a big deal. There aren't many people who are 21 years old who can conclude that they have a high chance of being accepted to a high ranked PhD program.
This reminds me of senior year of high school (and I will continue to say this). I applied to all these schools for prestige, just to prove to whomever that I could get in. And I did get in. Woohoo. I got a full ride to some great schools. Did I go? Nope. But it was nice to prove it, even if it was just to myself. I almost want to do that again. It's somewhat of a thrill to see what you can achieve. That sounds so incredibly twisted. I wish I understood myself better sometimes.
I feel like I have a very impersonal relationship with the people in my life right now. Yes, that is somewhat of a generalization. Yet, I feel like I have a very personal relationship with the world and with G-d. Does that make sense? And if I move closer one way, do I necessarily have to move farther away from the other? That's what's happening. I'm not sure if I'm doing it to myself though, or if the overall umbrella of everyone being a senior and being too busy for their own good is really what has taken over. Either way, it's somewhat depressing. I miss my friendships and I miss the somewhat solid comfort they create. Hopefully, when time begins to pass faster (i.e. these major exams are taken and the graduate applications are put in the mailbox) we can reestablish the comfort that has been lost. Until then, it's just me and the world. Adventure number 1: Sunday I will go to the Grand Canyon, for the first time, all by myself.
So apparently this test is four hours long. I'm not going to say that I haven't sat in one place for that long because I have numerous times in my life. I read the whole book that Princeton Review wrote on the test and I skimmed the vocab. Like they say, you really cannot increase your vocabulary in one night. Well, so much for studying the night before. I don't think my vocabulary is that bad. I'm sure I'll do average. Or so I hope.
I keep having this weird desire to take some kind of drug. It's been a long time since I've put anything illegal into my system, but what's illegal anyways? It's all relative. I just want to alter my mindset right now. I ate a big bowl of elbow noodles earlier; those were my favorite when I was little. It was probably about three servings. That's a lot of noodles. And then I ate a lot of Double Rainbow ice cream with hot fudge. And I skipped the bowl step and used the container to the mouth method, hot fudge included. After that, I still felt the need to alter my mind. I came online to see if anyone interesting was on. Not much luck. Then I skimmed the "writing" section of my book. Err, not much luck there either. I think I write just fine. Now I'm here, writing some random slew of thoughts that is most likely not going to aid me on my test, aid me in falling asleep, or aid me in calming my nerves. So, what's the best thing to do right now? I'm not sure. When I was younger, writing brought me clarity. I guess if it's keeping me from taking something I shouldn't be doing out, then it's not a bad alternative.
I took a mini test today for one of my ridiculous online science classes and I got a 7/10. The answers were not in the 2 pages of reading. I couldn't find them online. I asked friends and they didn't know either. It made no sense. Then Meghan took it next to me, got easier questions, and got a 10/10. Sometimes I wonder why things like this happen. I also wonder why I am being forced to take two absurd courses online that are in no way going to further my intelligence.
Sometimes I wonder if I could be a professor. I mean, I could be a professor, but I wonder if I should be. In class, my friend Alex suggested applying for the PhD program in Family & Human Development at ASU. We talked it out and came to the conclusion that both of us would have really strong applications and would most likely be accepted. That's a big deal. There aren't many people who are 21 years old who can conclude that they have a high chance of being accepted to a high ranked PhD program.
This reminds me of senior year of high school (and I will continue to say this). I applied to all these schools for prestige, just to prove to whomever that I could get in. And I did get in. Woohoo. I got a full ride to some great schools. Did I go? Nope. But it was nice to prove it, even if it was just to myself. I almost want to do that again. It's somewhat of a thrill to see what you can achieve. That sounds so incredibly twisted. I wish I understood myself better sometimes.
I feel like I have a very impersonal relationship with the people in my life right now. Yes, that is somewhat of a generalization. Yet, I feel like I have a very personal relationship with the world and with G-d. Does that make sense? And if I move closer one way, do I necessarily have to move farther away from the other? That's what's happening. I'm not sure if I'm doing it to myself though, or if the overall umbrella of everyone being a senior and being too busy for their own good is really what has taken over. Either way, it's somewhat depressing. I miss my friendships and I miss the somewhat solid comfort they create. Hopefully, when time begins to pass faster (i.e. these major exams are taken and the graduate applications are put in the mailbox) we can reestablish the comfort that has been lost. Until then, it's just me and the world. Adventure number 1: Sunday I will go to the Grand Canyon, for the first time, all by myself.
Wednesday, August 27
The "Ready Position"
I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I was stuck in that "in between" phase for much too long. People called me and I picked up, only to wake up this morning barely remembering the conversations. I thought and thought and thought about everything my mind could reach out to, hoping for some clarity. Nope, no luck.
I've become more religious; I'm not sure if you've noticed or not. Everyone in Israel warned me about how difficult the transition back to the US would be. I knew it would be difficult. First, dealing with my parents. Second, dealing with my friends. The first wasn't anything like I expected. My Mom and Dad were warm and welcoming. My Dad was proud of me. He really said that. So, check mark in that big box. Next comes Arizona. Everything started out fine. I even kashered my dishes yesterday. I put a mazuzah on my wall, have set up dates to learn Torah, and have become more connected to the Jewish community throughout the valley. Okay, so... check? Not so much. I thought these would be the difficult parts. I thought keeping shabbat would be borderline impossible and keeping kosher would be impossible. I thought not touching boys would be tough. I thought praying would be hard and that small things, like that bathroom prayer, would go unnoticed until I had my own home. But nope, wrong again. These things have all been so easy and I feel great about them every day.
The difficulty that has been looming over me since I arrived is simple, yet complex. It's my friends. Maybe some of you will read this. The issues range across multiple realms but I know that I need to distance myself from some people who I am close with and I need to bring myself closer to those who I barely know. I have to. You might not understand this, but I will break if I don't, and I am very happy with who I have become. I have no intention of turning back.
With a few close friends, I have noticed that our entire relationship revolves around talking about other people. Of course we are close friends for many reasons, not solely this, but this activity that we take part in on an almost daily basis has set a tone for our relationship. It's strange. It's not what I'm used to anymore. And I don't know how to respond. I'm scared to stop calling and I'm scared to not be close friends anymore. I just don't want to take part in it but it's all too hard to tell you.
It's also strange when you see someone naked. Okay, I know, this is a crazy, somewhat grotesque thing to talk about, especially in a public blog. But it's a fact for the majority of secular college students, and as a former secular student, I definitely have seen my share of nakedness. It's strange though how these physical experiences cannot be forgotten. And what scares me is that they may never be forgotten and then ultimately, I will not be able to be friends with these people again. Which brings me to my next question. Can people who have dated be friends again? Okay, common as it may be, I can assure you that you don't have the answer. No one has the answer. Of course it's situational. But this naked element has some ground to it. I don't personally enjoy standing next to the bimmah at Chabad and seeing someone naked. Or two people naked. Or three. And so on. (It wasn't actually that many. I'm just making a point). But as long as I go to this university, the nakedness will, too.
Tonight in class, my teacher informed my class that he has been teaching for fifty years. This is his fiftieth year teaching. Whoa. Seriously, whoa. He said a few interesting things in the three hour class that I thought I would share. First, he touched on the question, "What does it mean to meet somebody?" That's a really good question. What does it mean? I think it is an opportunity that resembles a clean slate - you are about to present yourself without any past baggage. You will present yourself in the light that you want this person to see you in. You will hide your major faults and highlight your best attributes. But most importantly, when you meet someone, you are establishing a relationship. A relationship is the fundamental premise of what life is all about. Our relationships with one another, our relationships with ourselves, our relationships with G-d (if we feel we have one). So with this being said, a simple "meet and greet" whether it be a student introducing his or herself to a teacher after class or a sorority president meeting a potential new member, that "Hi! I'm ______!" is setting off a spark that initiates a new relationship.
Dr. Fine also mentioned that we should be active listeners. In order to do this, he says we cannot sit back in our chairs and simply nod in agreement. Instead, we must approach life in the "ready position". Now for those of you, like myself, who grew up playing baseball or softball, you know what the ready position is. I remember how silly I thought this was. There I would be, playing right field (the place where balls never go) and see the worst player on the other team up at bat. Obviously she wasn't going to hit the ball hundreds of feet away into my glove. So why did it matter that I was down with my legs bent, glove out in front of me, and eyes glued to home plate? I never understood this until tonight. When you approach life in the ready position, you are ready. Wow, what a concept. Well, I can assure you that being "ready" for something you presume will not come is actually a very difficult task.
I ended my day in an interesting way. I found out Dr. Fine grew up down the street from my Mom in Dorchester. I volunteered, in front of the entire class, to do my 20 minute presentation first. I found out one of my close friends converted to Islam. I sensed irreversible distance from my best friends. And I felt the naked feeling, which led to the uncomfortable feeling, then to the "I need to leave this room or I'm going to be sick" feeling.
Life is like a game of softball. That silly right fielder has no idea what's coming her way. I never knew. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I made educated guesses based on if the batter was a righty or a lefty, but I didn't know anything for sure. That's why we must be ready and we must figure out ways to handle all of these feelings, naked and all, because learning to live through extreme ups and downs can only make us stronger.
I've become more religious; I'm not sure if you've noticed or not. Everyone in Israel warned me about how difficult the transition back to the US would be. I knew it would be difficult. First, dealing with my parents. Second, dealing with my friends. The first wasn't anything like I expected. My Mom and Dad were warm and welcoming. My Dad was proud of me. He really said that. So, check mark in that big box. Next comes Arizona. Everything started out fine. I even kashered my dishes yesterday. I put a mazuzah on my wall, have set up dates to learn Torah, and have become more connected to the Jewish community throughout the valley. Okay, so... check? Not so much. I thought these would be the difficult parts. I thought keeping shabbat would be borderline impossible and keeping kosher would be impossible. I thought not touching boys would be tough. I thought praying would be hard and that small things, like that bathroom prayer, would go unnoticed until I had my own home. But nope, wrong again. These things have all been so easy and I feel great about them every day.
The difficulty that has been looming over me since I arrived is simple, yet complex. It's my friends. Maybe some of you will read this. The issues range across multiple realms but I know that I need to distance myself from some people who I am close with and I need to bring myself closer to those who I barely know. I have to. You might not understand this, but I will break if I don't, and I am very happy with who I have become. I have no intention of turning back.
With a few close friends, I have noticed that our entire relationship revolves around talking about other people. Of course we are close friends for many reasons, not solely this, but this activity that we take part in on an almost daily basis has set a tone for our relationship. It's strange. It's not what I'm used to anymore. And I don't know how to respond. I'm scared to stop calling and I'm scared to not be close friends anymore. I just don't want to take part in it but it's all too hard to tell you.
It's also strange when you see someone naked. Okay, I know, this is a crazy, somewhat grotesque thing to talk about, especially in a public blog. But it's a fact for the majority of secular college students, and as a former secular student, I definitely have seen my share of nakedness. It's strange though how these physical experiences cannot be forgotten. And what scares me is that they may never be forgotten and then ultimately, I will not be able to be friends with these people again. Which brings me to my next question. Can people who have dated be friends again? Okay, common as it may be, I can assure you that you don't have the answer. No one has the answer. Of course it's situational. But this naked element has some ground to it. I don't personally enjoy standing next to the bimmah at Chabad and seeing someone naked. Or two people naked. Or three. And so on. (It wasn't actually that many. I'm just making a point). But as long as I go to this university, the nakedness will, too.
Tonight in class, my teacher informed my class that he has been teaching for fifty years. This is his fiftieth year teaching. Whoa. Seriously, whoa. He said a few interesting things in the three hour class that I thought I would share. First, he touched on the question, "What does it mean to meet somebody?" That's a really good question. What does it mean? I think it is an opportunity that resembles a clean slate - you are about to present yourself without any past baggage. You will present yourself in the light that you want this person to see you in. You will hide your major faults and highlight your best attributes. But most importantly, when you meet someone, you are establishing a relationship. A relationship is the fundamental premise of what life is all about. Our relationships with one another, our relationships with ourselves, our relationships with G-d (if we feel we have one). So with this being said, a simple "meet and greet" whether it be a student introducing his or herself to a teacher after class or a sorority president meeting a potential new member, that "Hi! I'm ______!" is setting off a spark that initiates a new relationship.
Dr. Fine also mentioned that we should be active listeners. In order to do this, he says we cannot sit back in our chairs and simply nod in agreement. Instead, we must approach life in the "ready position". Now for those of you, like myself, who grew up playing baseball or softball, you know what the ready position is. I remember how silly I thought this was. There I would be, playing right field (the place where balls never go) and see the worst player on the other team up at bat. Obviously she wasn't going to hit the ball hundreds of feet away into my glove. So why did it matter that I was down with my legs bent, glove out in front of me, and eyes glued to home plate? I never understood this until tonight. When you approach life in the ready position, you are ready. Wow, what a concept. Well, I can assure you that being "ready" for something you presume will not come is actually a very difficult task.
I ended my day in an interesting way. I found out Dr. Fine grew up down the street from my Mom in Dorchester. I volunteered, in front of the entire class, to do my 20 minute presentation first. I found out one of my close friends converted to Islam. I sensed irreversible distance from my best friends. And I felt the naked feeling, which led to the uncomfortable feeling, then to the "I need to leave this room or I'm going to be sick" feeling.
Life is like a game of softball. That silly right fielder has no idea what's coming her way. I never knew. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I made educated guesses based on if the batter was a righty or a lefty, but I didn't know anything for sure. That's why we must be ready and we must figure out ways to handle all of these feelings, naked and all, because learning to live through extreme ups and downs can only make us stronger.
It all started with Adam.
I was laying in bed last night and I realized how much I missed writing. I always think about creative things to say and continually find myself in tangents about unique titles for events in my life that I could potentially write about. So here I am. I will try to keep up with this, even if it is just for myself as an outlet of thought during this tumultuous last semester in college.
So the first thought I had last night of a unique title was "It all started with Adam". It was a funny metaphor that represents both Judaism on the forefront and the beginning of freshmen year underneath. If our lives are remotely modeled around the relationships we find ourselves in, then this title suits mine quite well.
Adam was the epitome of the walk of shame. I remember the feelings associated with him and the experiences surrounding the first part of my first year in the 60,000 person bubble. And then I remember the feelings associated with another him and another him and another him (and so on) for the duration of the past three years. In some ways it is humorous to look back on the route I chose for myself, one I hardly find unique to any college student living in this pseudo-life. I found myself, lost myself, and found myself over and over again as time elapsed. Adam fell to the back burner and I came forward to face college, life, and myself for the first time.
It's crazy but I feel like right now, for the first time in my life, I feel so alive.
So the first thought I had last night of a unique title was "It all started with Adam". It was a funny metaphor that represents both Judaism on the forefront and the beginning of freshmen year underneath. If our lives are remotely modeled around the relationships we find ourselves in, then this title suits mine quite well.
Adam was the epitome of the walk of shame. I remember the feelings associated with him and the experiences surrounding the first part of my first year in the 60,000 person bubble. And then I remember the feelings associated with another him and another him and another him (and so on) for the duration of the past three years. In some ways it is humorous to look back on the route I chose for myself, one I hardly find unique to any college student living in this pseudo-life. I found myself, lost myself, and found myself over and over again as time elapsed. Adam fell to the back burner and I came forward to face college, life, and myself for the first time.
It's crazy but I feel like right now, for the first time in my life, I feel so alive.
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